


Speechless

by imayoshis



Series: We Will Be Okay [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, M/M, Naruto's Wedding, Post-Fourth Shinobi War, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Some comedy to break the tension, Suicidal Thoughts, Tokubetsu Jonin, probably not enough comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 01:32:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14966246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imayoshis/pseuds/imayoshis
Summary: [Yamato trying to cover his own problems and just tries to make it through the day at Naruto's wedding, but how long can he keep everything together?]His mind was reeling every which way. He hated this feeling. He thought when they got together, everything would be fine. Kakashi liked him. It was enough. He was okay with it. Why was it not enough anymore? Why was he not enough for Kakashi?





	1. Everything Left Unsaid

Yamato stares at the man sitting at the edge of his bed. Completely naked and covered in scars. Silver hair fell messily on the man’s head as he faces the doorway. The morning rays illuminate the room, giving Yamato the ability to really see every detail of the pale figure before him. Finally, the man glances back, dark grey eyes meet his. “Today is going to be a long day, don’t you think?”

“It’ll be as long as any other day.” Yamato answers. Kakashi huffs, not particularly happy with the response. He stands and saunters over to the door. Of course, Yamato was watching every movement, still not quite used to Kakashi walking around completely naked and exposed. They have been dating for eight months now and to be quite clear, every time the brunette made it home, they spend a good majority of their time in bed. Or the couch. Or the floor. Or the shower. Yamato often compared his boyfriend to a rabbit because of his tendencies, though it was not particularly a problem.

“Want to shower with me, Tenzō?” Kakashi finally speaks again with a towel in hand. When did he even get the towel? “I’m sure we can fit some time in before prepping Naruto’s wedding.” Yamato has his focus a bit elsewhere, not quite hearing Kakashi talk to him. He had his gaze fix onto the silver haired man’s front. A giant X that stretched across his pectorals to his abdomen was quite noticeable in this light. He got those scars from the war, and honestly, Yamato hated seeing them. It was always a reminder of him being captured and unable to help anyone in the war. “Tenzō?”

“No, go without me. I have some stuff on my mind. I kind of want to be alone for a bit.” He finally looks away, and stares at a crack in the ceiling. A few moments pass and he feels the bed move, Kakashi sitting to his left on the edge of the bed.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No, I’m fine. I just...” he continues to stare at the crack, almost wondering what had caused it. He didn’t have an answer as to why he felt off today. Was it just the scars? That couldn’t be it. “I’m just... I’m nervous. I hope everything for the wedding goes well.” He lied.

“Well, let’s get moving then. I’m going to go shower.” Kakashi was standing again accepting his excuse.

“I love you,” Yamato murmurs, as he watches his boyfriend leave the room. Kakashi freezes when he processes what was just said. He didn’t move or speak for a good minute until he nods and walks out.

It was _that_. Kakashi’s inability to say ‘I love you’ has been one of the things that bothered Yamato to his very core. Of course, he understood. He never made a complaint. He didn’t want to guilt Kakashi into saying it. But, it still hurt. It hurt so much that he usually found himself regretting saying anything at all. He often tried to just brush it off and ignore the pain in his chest when his mind automatically went the worst place possible.

“Why would he even love me? I’m stupid. I just need to stop saying it.” he mumbles out loud and pulls a pillow over his face. He closes his eyes, already letting his thoughts consume him.

_‘He won’t ever love me, will he? Should I break up with him? I deserve... he deserves better. I’m not around enough. Is that it? He can’t love me if I’m just... some booty call...’_

“Hey, Tenzō? What are you doing?” Yamato throws the pillow and sits up nervously, completely startled. Kakashi stood near the bed in just a towel, his hair wet and his body still not quite dry. When did he get in here? How long did he lie like that?

“Nothing! Nothing. What is it?” Yamato lets out a small awkward laugh, somewhat embarrassed.

“Listen, I- uh this isn’t really easy to say.” Kakashi looked away and Yamato’s mind was already jumping to the first conclusion he could even process.

_‘Is he going to break up with me? Fuck. Fuck! No way would he just do that before Naruto’s wedding!?’_

“I realized that since there will be a lot of um important people present at the wedding, I think we should give each other space when we get there. To keep everything professional, you know?” Kakashi finally drags his gaze towards the younger man. “It’s only for today. I just think I should make sure I keep a good impression to the other Kages.”

“Oh, yeah, of course. That makes sense. I will back off, it’s fine.” Yamato felt himself trying to fight back any form of sadness in his voice. He understood though. It really made sense. Kakashi needs to care about his image. He is the Hokage after all. Dating a man... was something that might ruin his reputation. Dating the man that got captured in the war and used for the Zetsu army that killed so many, well, that would definitely ruin his reputation.

“I knew you’d be bothered. I’m not doing this to be mean-”

“I’m not bothered. I said it’s fine, okay!?” the brunette cuts him off, already wanting to avoid the conversation. He knew damn well why Kakashi was saying this. He didn’t want to hear it.

“Fine. Keep lying to me then.”

“What?”

They stare at each other for a short while until Kakashi breaks their eye contact. He moves towards the closet and pulls out his suit he had hung up specifically for the wedding. He throws it on the bed haphazardly and looks back at Yamato. “Just get ready, so we can leave.”

“O-Okay.” He made no protest and quickly climbs out of bed, escaping the room to go shower.

—————

The preparations for the wedding was done, sadly, to most of Yamato’s efforts. He had hoped Kakashi would help out more, but after their little spat this morning, he kind of enjoyed doing most of the work without the man around.

He could see a flash of silver and black out of the corner of his eye, and almost hoped that Kakashi was just walking past and not towards him. He begrudgingly glances over to see that in fact, the man was walking towards him much to his own dismay.

“Everything looks good. You did a great job.” He’s met with that crinkled eye masked smile that usually gave him butterflies, but at the moment, made him want to retreat as fast as possible.

“Yeah, thanks.” He bites his cheek, frustrating himself.

‘Yeah, thanks. Is that really all I could think of saying?’

“I take it you’re still mad.” That smile dissolving away.

“You were the one who got mad? I said it was fine.” Yamato had to fight his urge to kick himself for that. He didn’t even know why he was still so bothered. He completely understood that he had to stay away from his boyfriend today. Kakashi’s reputation was on the line. He knew it all too well. “Shouldn’t you be somewhere else, Hokage-sama?”

That did it. He dug his hole a little too deep with that comment. He was going to hear about that one later if he doesn’t get an earful right now. He was silently cursing himself for not being able to keep his big mouth shut, guilt already washing over him.

He watches frustration flash over Kakashi’s features and then just dissipate. The older man lets out a sigh and his shoulders relax slightly.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. Sorry for bothering you.” Yamato watches Kakashi leave and he stands there with his mouth gaped open.

_‘He just left?’_

He almost could not believe it. Either Kakashi was just that mad, or worse, just that upset.

Fuck! How can that man do that? Yamato was the one hurting. How can Kakashi just turn the tables on him? He did not even know how to react. He wanted to punch a wall, kick the ground, throw a chair, something.

_‘That man won’t even say ‘I love you’ but he gets off being the victim. What the fuck!?’_

His mind was reeling every which way. He hated this feeling. He thought when they got together, everything would be fine. Kakashi liked him. It was enough. He was okay with it. Why was it not enough anymore? Why was he not enough for Kakashi?

He felt his chest tighten and his breathing start to quicken. Why was he not good enough? Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes as he continues to let his anxiety get the better of him. He hated this feeling. He had this feeling happen before but never for this reason. Was he really going to have an attack right before Naruto’s wedding? In front of everyone?

“Good afternoon, Lord Hokage.” Yamato hears a woman’s voice. It sounded far away, but he sees her only a few meters away shaking hands with Kakashi. She had long auburn hair and a blue dress. The Mizukage? 

Yamato looks around, ripping his focus away from the woman, and walks to the nearest bench, using it as support to try to regather himself.

 _‘Count... Count backwards... ten... nine... eight,’_ He remembers Tsunade telling him to count backwards when he feels an attack coming. He absolutely despised becoming this way. He was Anbu. He was a damned experiment of Orochimaru. How could being captured in a war cause him to have so much anxiety? Maybe it was his punishment for surviving it all. He felt his heart start to race and his breathing grow even quicker.

 _‘Eight... eight... seven...’_ His grip tightens on the back of the wooden bench, feeling himself come back just slightly. _‘Six... five... four...’_ His breathing starts to return to normal. He kept his focus on the grass, still trying to recollect himself. _‘Three... two... one.’_ He frowns, angry with himself. He releases the bench from his hold and looks around, making sure nobody had seen him. No one seemed to have noticed, he assumes since not a single person had approached him.

“Captain Yamato!” Naruto jumps in front of him, startling him slightly. “I don’t know where Iruka Sensei is. Kakashi Sensei is busy. Shikamaru isn’t here yet. I don’t know who to go to. I’m freaking out!”

“Why are you freaking out?” Yamato says and already realizes how dumb his question was the second it left his mouth. Naruto is getting married. He has every reason to freak out right now.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” Naruto mumbles. Yamato notices the boy in casual wear and squints. Why was he not dressed yet?

“How about we get you dressed and we uh discuss this away from people?” The two make their way to the building just a bit away from the venue. Where Naruto should have been in the first place.

They enter a door that has a sign on it, labeled ‘Groom’. Naruto’s traditional kimono was hung up in a translucent grey bag in the corner of the room. It had a few comfy looking green chairs and a full body mirror in the middle of the room.

“I’m freaking out again!” Naruto announces the second he sees the room. “Man, what if she changes her mind? I get out there and she says that she doesn’t love me. Captain Yamato, what do I do!?” The brunette winces at the thought, reminded of Kakashi ignoring his ‘I love you’ this morning. He sighs already knowing that this is clearly not the case for Naruto and Hinata. Hinata loves Naruto, always has, always will. He almost didn’t understand why the blond would even have such a fear.

“Naruto, stop.” Yamato grabs Naruto by the shoulder, forcing them to face each other. “Hinata loves you. You even told me that she always loved you. There’s no way in hell that she will say she doesn’t love you.”

“Right... you’re right. I’m still scared though. What if I trip or something stupid.”

“You’re not going to trip. You’re going to go out there and get married. Everything will be okay.”

“How do you know for sure that everything will be okay?”

“I just do. Everything is going to be amazing. This will all be okay. It makes sense to be nervous, and I’m sure she’s nervous too. But at the end of the day, you two are partners. You two love each other. Everything will be fine.” He speaks slowly hoping every word reaches Naruto. He releases his hands from the blond’s shoulders and they both relax slightly.

“You’re right. Thank you, Captain Yamato.” Naruto beams back at him. Almost hard to believe he was even stressing out a second ago. “Hinata loves me. Everything will be fine.” The brunette faltered slightly remembering his own problems. Kakashi didn’t love him. He was jealous of Naruto. He was jealous that he was able to experience love, something he has longed for his whole life. He knew Naruto has had it hard too and wanted love just as much as him. He hated himself for even feeling so envious.

“You should probably get dressed.” Yamato gestures toward the kimono hung up. “I can go wait outside if you want me to stick around.”

“No, you can stay in here. I might need help putting this on anyway.” Naruto says as he unzips the bag his kimono was in. “Yeah, I really might need your help.” The brunette lets out a small laugh and walks over to the window. He can hear Naruto trying to put his outfit on, but he keeps his interest toward the people through the window. A lot of people are here now. He spots all five Kages almost immediately. He recognizes a handful of people, while others, he is not completely sure he has ever seen before. 

He catches a glimpse of pink speeding through a crowd of people, and he narrows his eyes at it. Sakura. She runs up to Kakashi who was standing underneath a tree. A tree Yamato has carefully placed for the venue. He sees her laughing and hold out a camera. They take a picture together and she hurries off. He wondered what was said, but he probably won’t ever know.

A tanned man with dark brown hair pulled up into a ponytail strolls up to Kakashi. He sees a scar run across the man’s nose. Who is he? A friend of Kakashi’s? He can tell they’re talking but can’t make out what they are saying. I guess a perk to Kakashi’s face being covered at all times was the fact that no one can read his lips, not even Yamato.

“Iruka Sensei made it.” Naruto announces behind Yamato. “The guy talking to Kakashi Sensei is Iruka Sensei.”

“O-Oh,” was the only thing Yamato could come up with in response. He never met Iruka but has heard a good deal about him from others. A great guy from what people have said.

“I just noticed something.” Naruto starts snickering, drawing Yamato’s attention towards him. “I’m getting married before both of my Sensei’s.”

“Iruka isn’t married?”

“Nope, he doesn’t even have a girlfriend. I’m assuming Kakashi Sensei isn’t dating anyone either though.”

“Why do you assume Kakashi isn’t dating anyone?”

“I don’t know. He doesn’t tell us anything about his personal life, even now. I just assumed, ya know? If he was dating someone, I figure I’d at least see them around?” Naruto continues to put his kimono on now as he talks.

“Maybe you do know who he’s dating.” Yamato pauses for a moment realizing he just revealed Kakashi was indeed dating someone. “I-I mean if he is dating someone. You might know them? But yeah, you’re right. He probably isn’t dating anyone.” He stammers, remembering that Kakashi didn’t want to tell Team 7 of them dating until after the wedding. Too many questions would arise. Especially from Naruto.

“Hmm, yeah, if you think he isn’t dating anyone, then he probably isn’t.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yamato asks and looks back out the window. Kakashi was still standing under the tree, but Iruka was gone.

“You know Kakashi Sensei pretty well, right? If you don’t think he is dating anyone, then it only makes sense to assume you’re right.” The blond answers still messing with his outfit.

They hear a knock on the door and Iruka pops his head in. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything important.” He smiles sheepishly at the pair and steps into the room.

“Iruka Sensei! You’re finally here! I got worried you wouldn’t show.” Naruto stands up straight, placing his fists on his hips trying to strike a pose.

“You know I wouldn’t miss this.” Iruka crosses his arms and smiles over at Yamato. “Oh, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Iruka. I’m sure you figured that out though.”

“I-yeah... I’m Yamato.” He wasn’t quite sure what else he could say. He knew he was a good man, an academy teacher, and a chūnin, but that’s as far as his knowledge went for the man.

“So you’re the legendary Yamato I hear so much about from Kakashi.” Iruka straightens, uncrossing his arms. “He seems rather fond of you. Never really heard him talk so highly of someone other than his team, but he respects you a lot.”

“O-Oh,” there he was fumbling again. He was at a loss for words. Kakashi talks about him? In a good way? He almost thought it was a joke, but it wouldn’t really make sense for Iruka to joke about that.

“So uh what were you two talking about earlier?” Iruka looks over at the blond. Yamato wondered if the tanned man had caught him being uncomfortable for him to change the subject.

“Oh, haha, we were just talking about how I’m getting married before you and Kakashi Sensei.” Naruto snickers again.

“Hey, I will get a girlfriend! I... just don’t have one right now.” Iruka flushes and looks away from the other two in the room.

“Well, Kakashi Sensei is in the same boat as you though. He isn’t dating anyone either.”

“Are you sure about that, Naruto? He told me just a bit ago that he is dating someone?” Iruka raises an eyebrow, visibly confused.

“What? What! Captain Yamato said that he isn’t dating someone!” Naruto spins around and points at Yamato.

“I only said I don’t think he’s dating someone. I never said I was right.” He defends himself though he knows he is completely lying through his teeth. How would Naruto take it knowing his Sensei is dating the man who just said that he didn’t think Kakashi was dating someone.

He glances over at Iruka who just smiled. Did Iruka know? Did Kakashi tell him? He wouldn’t, would he?

“Well, maybe there’s a reason Kakashi hasn’t told you, Naruto?” Iruka suggests, somewhat calming Naruto down.

“Why would he not want to tell me?” The blond looks back and forth between the older men.

“Who knows?” Iruka answers while Yamato just shrugs. He knew exactly why. It didn’t really mean he had to tell the truth though.

The door opens again and Kakashi steps in.

_‘Didn’t even knock?’_

“Kakashi Sensei, I was just told that you are dating someone! Spill it! Who is it? Do I know them?” Naruto points at the tired man who still stood in the door way.

“Ah, the secret lasted what? Five minutes?” The silver haired man looks over at Iruka. The tanned man just laughs sheepishly and looks away from everyone. “Yamato, can I talk to you outside?”

_‘Fuck.’_

Everyone in the room was focused on him now. To be frank, he did not want to talk to his boyfriend. He was... is still upset that Kakashi had ignored him this morning, but he’s gotten to the point to where he just accepts the man does not love him. Plain and simple. 

“Yamato?” Kakashi speaks again, clearly impatient now.

“Can it wait ‘til later?” The brunette finally answers, trying to get away with not talking to his boyfriend longer than he should. He knows there’s an elephant in the room, but he’ll be damned if he gives in to it now.

“Please?”

“What’s up with you two today?” Naruto gives them both a questioning look. “It’s weird. Captain Yamato usually just does what Kakashi Sensei wants. It’s even weirder that Kakashi Sensei just said please.” He crosses his arms and squints at the two of them.

“There’s nothing... up with us today, Naruto.” Kakashi answers looking more tired than usual. Probably from greeting so many people. Yamato didn’t really know since he was keeping his space like the other man had wanted. “Tenzō?”

The brunette grimaces, openly hating when Kakashi would call him Tenzō in front of other people. It was always awkward when he did it. People would not know who Kakashi was talking to and then he would have to explain that it was his old name. Then it would spiral into people wanting to know how long Kakashi had known him. Which then lead into questions about how much he knew about that masked man. It was exhausting really.

“I should excuse myself anyway. Naruto should be getting ready anyway.” Yamato says trying to look as calm as possible. He keeps his head down and has to shove himself through the door frame while Kakashi stood in his way. He only makes it about four steps into the hallway, and Kakashi already has a grip around his wrist.

_‘Must he always do this? Why can’t he just say to stop walking like normal people?’_

Yamato glowers at the carpeted floor of the hallway. He did not know what else to do to stay away from the situation. Half of him did not even know why he was acting this way. The other half knew exactly why he was doing this.

“Hey, are you okay? I saw what happened earlier. You were about to have a panic attack.” Kakashi pulls the brunette closer to him, but Yamato was stubborn keeping his gaze fixed on the carpet. “Is this why you have been acting different? What’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong. We can talk later, okay?” Yamato murmurs feeling dread consume him.

_‘Kakashi saw that. Was it actually noticeable? How many people saw? Fuck. FUCK!’_

There it was. The panic coming back. It was eating him alive, and all he could do was stand there. His thoughts were running laps in his head as he tried to remember how many people would have seen. Did he embarrass Kakashi? Of course, he did. He wouldn’t have said anything otherwise.

“Tenzō!?” Yamato feels hands grab around his face, forcing him to stare straight into dark grey eyes. “Please talk to me? Is it the people or crowds? What is overwhelming you?” He can see the worry in Kakashi’s eyes. He assumes it’s probably shown all over the older man’s face, but that mask covers almost all of it.

“I...” He didn’t know what to say. He could not even begin to explain what was wrong. It was everything. Everything was too much, but he knew that would be too vague for that silver haired ninja. Where would he start? The guilt that he still carries every day since the war? The fact that his anxiety has only been getting worse? Or the depression that seems to be consuming more of him every day? He knew those things were not the only problems.

Kakashi was another one of his problems. He was escalating everything. Keeping their relationship a secret from everyone drove him mad. Cause God forbid that the world found out the sixth Hokage likes men. That still was only the base of his issues. There was so much more.

It’s been eight months and they still have not progressed much into their relationship. There is still a lot they refuse to talk about. Their arguments usually just end with them pretending nothing happened and leads to nothing being fixed.

Yamato did not even know when he wanted to hide these feelings from Kakashi. He could not point to where it had started, where he stopped feeling comfortable sharing his emotions with his partner. Was it when Tsunade had told him he developed anxiety from his capture during the war? Or was it when he was told way later that he had chronic depression because of his guilt. Or was it when he found himself alone in the bathroom a month ago holding a pill bottle, wondering how many he would need to take to never wake up again?

He always thought Kakashi would be the one who would need the support more than him. To be honest, Kakashi did. The night terrors were still so frequent, the brunette sometimes stayed awake all night just to make sure Kakashi was okay. He remembers the nights that he would have to drag his sobbing boyfriend away from the sink because he would scrub his hands so much that they would bleed.

No, he cannot tell Kakashi what he was going through. He cannot let the man worry more than he already does. He let him in only a little about his anxiety, but that was all. Kakashi had started treating him differently as if Yamato would shatter at any moment. He hated it.

Kakashi was the one who would shatter, not him. How did it end up like this?

“Tsunade told me everything.” The older man speaks softly, breaking through Yamato’s thoughts. “She told me your anxiety has gotten worse and that you have depression. She said you have been having suicidal thoughts, and normally, she wouldn’t tell me but she was worried. She wanted to make sure there was someone who could notify her if you got worse if you decide to stop getting help. I didn’t want to say anything, because I hoped you would tell me when you were ready.”

“You knew? For how long?” He asks almost in a daze. It’s like pieces in his mind started clicking into place. The world felt like it tilted slightly and everything around them froze.

“About a month, not very long.”

“I... didn’t want you to know. You didn’t need to worry about my problems.” He chokes out, his throat felt tight. Part of him wanted to cry knowing the truth was out. He never wanted Kakashi to know how weak he was.

“They’re our problems, Tenzō.” Kakashi rubs his thumb on the younger man’s cheek reassuringly. “You can talk to me.”

“You say that, but...” Yamato pauses, realizing the next thing he will say will most likely escalate to an argument or something worse.

“But what?”

“But... you don’t love me. You made it clear. So, my problems will stay my problems.” Yamato pushes Kakashi’s hands away and steps back. “It’s fine though. I never really expected you to actually love me.” He felt tears trying to claw their way out and he slams his eyes shut for a moment, forcing himself away from crying. “Now, I’m going to excuse myself. You should be out there talking to people anyway.”

“I... What?” Yamato heard Kakashi respond, but he was already speed walking away from the man. He needed to get away. He needed to calm down before he makes more of a fool himself.

He forces himself to look back just quick enough to see Kakashi holding his head down low. His shoulders drooped and his hands were in tight fists at his sides. Was he hurting too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I will try my hand at some chapters (my plan is three chapters but it might reach four). This fic is connected to the fic, Perfect, about eight months after. Though this fic can be read as a stand alone, you can read the other one if you want to see how they got together for this particular story. Also I apologize if anything was slightly triggering, or triggering in general. I have this headcanon that Yamato really struggles with how he feels about himself after being captured, and his lack of willingness to talk to anyone about it starts to make everything worse to an overwhelming state.


	2. Fall on Deaf Ears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [The wedding is in full swing, but Yamato still seems to be a natural at pretending everything is fine.]
> 
> Where did that conclusion come from? He didn’t love Tenzō? What was that? It didn’t make sense. He knew damn well that he loved that stupid man. Kakashi concludes his anger must be clearly clouding his judgment at this point, but he still had no idea where to start on why Tenzō was acting this way. The brunette seemed fine yesterday. Was it just his depression like Tsunade had said?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicidal thoughts warning.

“Kakashi Sensei?” Naruto was standing next to him on his left, and Iruka to his right. Concern plastered across both of their faces. “Are you okay?”

Kakashi scoffs. The question was dumb and he could not even begin to explain how stupid it was for the blond to ask such a thing. He was frustrated. More than just frustrated, he was angry.

“No,” he growls out, not really able to cover his irritation.

“Is there something going on between you two?” Iruka asks nervously, standing closer than Kakashi had initially processed.

“Ye-,” Kakashi halts. Did he just get dumped? If he did, doesn’t that mean there is nothing going on? He did not really agree to breaking up, but he did not stop Tenzō either. He let him run off. “I don’t know.”

“Wait, were you guys like a couple? Like a real couple? That kiss and hold hands and stuff?” The blond to his left gawks when he finally put two and two together.

“I guess, but I’m pretty sure I just got dumped.”

“Since when were you guys dating!?”

“Doesn’t really matter anymore clearly.” Kakashi snaps at Naruto, anger getting the better of him at this point.

“Naruto, let’s give Kakashi some space.” Iruka grabs the blond by his shoulders and steers him back to the changing room. He hears the door shut behind them and finally the hallway was completely silent. His ears were ringing and his heart was racing.

Where did that conclusion come from? He didn’t love Tenzō? What was that? It didn’t make sense. He knew damn well that he loved that stupid man. His anger was clearly clouding his judgment at this point. He had no idea where to start on why Tenzō was acting this way. The brunette seemed fine yesterday. Was it just his depression like Tsunade had said?

_‘Why won’t he just fucking tell me what’s wrong? Did I do something? What the fuck did I do?’_

He tries to think back to the events of this morning. His eyes widen when he remembers Tenzō had said ‘I love you’.

_‘I... didn’t say it back.’_

He drags a hand down his face trying to calm himself, but the attempt fell flat almost immediately. His frustration built in the pit of his stomach and his arms were tingling, and within a moment, his fist connected with the wall next to him, busting a hole through it.

_‘I’m so stupid.’_

He pulls his hand out of the wall and stumbles back into the opposing wall of the hallway. He slides down clumsily, hitting the ground harder than he intended to.

_‘Well, aren’t you just a mess, Kakashi Hatake? Some Hokage I am if I can’t even keep my boyfriend happy. If I can’t make him happy, how the hell can I make an entire village happy?’_

He drops his head and fidgets with the carpet while he inwardly curses himself. He knew his failure to say ‘I love you’ back was going to eventually come and bite him in the ass. How soon, was the thing he was not completely sure about it, but at long last, it seems it happened.

“I love you too,” he mumbles quietly to himself, letting the words roll over his tongue. “I... love you too, Tenzō.”

He looks up, letting his head bang against the wall. He closes his eyes, thinking about how he still continues to do everything wrong. He loves Tenzō, but whenever he hears those three words, it feels like the world is collapsing around him.

Love is simple. Painfully simple. He loves a good amount of people, though, he knows he can only count them on one hand, maybe two.

He pulls his hands up and starts counting his fingers.

_‘Father, that’s one. Obito, Rin, and Minato Sensei... four. Guy, Kurenai, and Asuma makes seven. Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke... ten. Tenzō... eleven.’_

Three hands. More than he expected. He lets out a sigh, dropping his hands back down to his sides.

“Half of those people are also dead.” He bites his lip remembering his heart breaking when Tsunade had told him that Tenzō had suicidal thoughts. Guilt, she said was the reason. Like Father. Almost like fate. To fall in love with a man who wants to take his life for almost the same reason as his own dad.

He was in pain ever since he found out. He could not even bring himself to look at Tenzō the first few days when he learned the truth. Was his love a curse? Like a flip of a coin, heads they live, tails they die. He did not ever dare test the theory so he refuses to say he loves Tenzō. Losing him... would be too much.

Fate truly is too cruel.

His heart feels heavy and his hand aches every time he tries to move his fingers. The wall was sturdier than he expected but he accepts the pain as punishment for messing everything up for God knows how many times.

_‘Should I just say it?’_

He pulls his injured hand up, eyeing the damage he has done. His knuckles were bleeding and already starting to bruise an ugly shade of purple and blue.

“Of course.”

_________________

 

Yamato is sitting next to a very animated Sakura. She is practically glowing with excitement. Almost overwhelming to be around considering how down he feels. They had assigned seats at the venue for Team 7 in particular, but Ino was sitting in Sai’s spot that is on the other side of Sakura. The brunette did not particularly care since Sai is sitting in an unassigned seat next to Ino anyway. So, the bench for their row was now Team 7 plus Ino.

He glances over at the empty seat to his right that is on the very edge of their row. It has a paper sign taped to it that read ‘Kakashi’ in bold black font. Naturally, Kakashi had to sit somewhere, and unsurprisingly next to Yamato.

“Captain Yamato, what’s taking Kakashi Sensei so long?” Sakura drags his attention away from the empty seat. He could see her clear confusion, but he did not really have the mental power to humor her. He shrugs lazily and stares forward at some flower arrangements he put up a few hours prior.

Everything looks perfect. He could not find a single flaw in his work. Every flower and leaf lays just the way he wanted them to, but he did not carry any pride in his work like he had wished.

He sees movement from the corner of his eye, and he looks over. Kakashi took his assigned seat it seems. He felt the urge to say something, anything, but the other man feels far away. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to pretend their discussion early did not happen, but it wasn’t that simple.

The silver haired man runs his hand through his hair and then crosses his arms across his chest. The brunette notices his right hand was bandage wrapped. He raises an eyebrow at the man questioningly. He could not quite remember if his hand was actually already bandaged before they left this morning or not. Could he have missed that?

“Punched a wall. Don’t want to talk about it.” Kakashi answers curtly, straight to the point.

“Oh...” Yamato can taste the tension between them now. “I’m sorry.” He falters a little still fixated on the other man’s hand.

“Not your fault.” Kakashi leans deeper into the bench as he speaks.

“Sai, SHUT UP!” Sakura yells, completely breaking Yamato’s concentration. He pauses, not quite sure if he really wants to know why Sakura was yelling.

“I’m just saying it’s completely obvious that they are dating.” Sai says almost too calmly to Sakura’s outburst. Yamato can hear Ino giggling and he still really was not sure if he wants to know what was going on.

“They’re not gay!” Sakura raises her voice again.

“Captain Yamato and Lord Sixth are dating. I’m positive.”

That caught the brunette’s attention immediately. He shoves himself into the conversation, leaning forward to look at the three younger ninja.

“May I ask why you guys are talking about me?” He grumbles, not particular fond of the idea that they were discussing his love life so blatantly.

“Sai says you’re gay for Kakashi. Sakura says you’re not.” Ino clarifies simply.

“He’s dating someone at least.” Sai interjects.

“If he’s dating someone, I doubt it would be Kakashi. I’m sure it’s a pretty woman.” Sakura crosses her arms and smiles. “Go ahead, Captain Yamato, tell him you’re dating a woman.”

“I wonder if she’s pretty. Maybe she has black hair?” Ino looks over at Sakura.

“Or silver hair,” Sai smiles that fake smile of his.

“I uh,” Yamato fumbles for a moment. What does he even say? He is dating Kakashi, but that is supposed to be a secret. He doesn’t dare look at Kakashi knowing Sai was probably reading every movement he made at the moment.

“Sai, stop. Captain Yamato isn’t gay.” Sakura hits Sai this time. “How do you even know he’s dating anyone?”

“How do you know?” Ino repeats Sakura, and Sai just smiles... again.

“You remember the dinner we went to the other night for Team 7? To celebrate Naruto’s marriage. Not the bachelor party, of course. Captain Yamato was wearing casual clothes and had hickeys on his neck.” Sai explains and Yamato flushes remembering Kakashi had gotten a little careless that day. They actually had sex right before the dinner and he wanted to kick himself for it now. “Normally, people who have hickeys are taking part in sexual intercourse. Naturally, I assumed he must be dating someone. I deduced that it was Kakashi Sensei since they showed up together and the hickeys looked rather new.”

Amazing. He was caught red handed that easily. He was almost impressed that Sai figured it out that simply. He knew his face was still beet red, but he had to come up with something. What does he even say? Can he really lie out of this?

“I... am dating someone. You are right, Sai. Good observation skills.” He feels Kakashi shift next to him, but he doesn’t dare break eye contact with the boy. “I guess the secret is out, I am gay but-”

He’s cut off by Ino bursting into laughter and Sakura practically floundering. The pink haired girl was blushing brighter than her hair. Was it really that surprising?

“Sakura’s face is priceless! Oh my god! You got her good!” Ino doubles over, still laughing.

“I was being serious. I’m gay...” Yamato mumbles and Ino freezes. She looks just as shocked as Sakura still looked.

“So I was right?” Sai shoves himself back into the conversation.

“I’m not dating Kakashi.” He feels Kakashi shift again.

“Half right?” Sai corrects himself. Yamato nods slowly hoping the conversation will die out now. “Kakashi Sensei isn’t gay then?”

“Kakashi Sensei reads those weird books. No way does he like men.” Sakura adds. The comment was funny though. Yamato bit his lip trying to not laugh. Sai was right, Kakashi wasn’t gay, but that man did like men as much as he did women even if it is a secret. “That would be... completely unexpected if he did like men.” Yamato snorts, not able to hold his laughter anymore.

_‘Unexpected. Yeah, that’s the word.’_

“So he does like men?” Sai concludes observing his captain’s laughter.

“Is Sai right about everything?!” Sakura glares back at Yamato and the person next to him. He looks back to see Kakashi has eased himself into the conversation by this point just listening.

“Why haven’t you said anything if you clearly are listening to everything?” He grumbles at the man next to him.

“Oh no, I don’t need to say anything. You are doing good without me on this one.” Kakashi answers lazily and sits back into the bench as if he was openly leaving the conversation. 

“Well!?” Sakura nudges him.

“N-No, Kakashi isn’t gay.” Well, he wasn’t lying. “Okay, can this discussion end now? Me and Kakashi’s personal life is off the table now.”

“Can I just ask one more question?” Sai smiles.

“I know I’m going to regret this, but what is it, Sai?” Yamato narrows his eyes at the pale boy.

“How big is Kakashi Sensei’s dick?” His face remained the same as if the question was not completely inappropriate. Yamato feels a blush creep across his face. He very much did regret letting Sai ask another question.

“SAI!” Sakura punches the boy and Ino was laughing all over again. He sinks into the bench, not willing to attempt to answer that question. His boyfriend’s dick was also a topic that he did not want to discuss especially when he is sitting right next to him. He did not understand why he gets asked that question in general. He hates to admit that other people have asked him just because he is so close to Kakashi, not even knowing about their real relationship.

What was so special about that man’s dick anyway? It was not really special, just a bit above average. Maybe a little bigger than expected, nothing to scream about, but he supposes who it was attached to was what made it something of an interesting topic.

“You handled that well.” Kakashi nudges him and Yamato glares at him.

“No help from you.” He pouts for a moment until he remembers their conversation from earlier. That’s right. Things still weren’t going well between them.

“I’m sorry… about earlier,” Kakashi whispers, just quiet enough that only Yamato can hear it. The brunette sits quietly for a few minutes, not sure what to really say. He was honestly more surprised than anything to hear the other man to apologize. He did not really know what he was apologizing for. He should respond, right? “You don’t have to say it’s fine. I know it’s not.” 

Yamato nods, still not able to form any type of response. Did he really need to say anything? Could they just leave it at that for now?

“We… can talk later.” He murmurs, staring down at his lap. 

“Promise?” 

He nods again, not wanting to look up. Kakashi slides his left hand into the brunette’s right, lacing their fingers together. Yamato always found it so odd how their hands fit each other so perfectly. It was just another thing he loves about that man. The thought tugs at his heart but he pushes it away. He wanted to pretend everything is okay even if it is only for a moment.

“The wedding is finally going to start. Look at Hinata.” Sakura whispers to the people in her row, mainly Ino though.

“Oh my gosh, she looks so pretty.” Ino whispers back. Naturally, everyone had turned to look at the bride walking with her father. She is beautiful. More than words can describe. Yamato feels a smile tug at his lips. He was delighted for Naruto more than anything. 

He then sees Naruto, and he knew that blond was happier than anyone in the world right now. Naruto grins so big that Yamato swore that everyone around can feel the warmth from it. The groom’s smile fades just a little, and a tear slides down his face. Naruto really is the happiest man in the world. 

Kakashi tightens his hold on Yamato’s hand, pulling him back to reality. “He did good, huh?” The silver haired man whispers. Kakashi was positively glowing. Was it pride? Or he just felt the warmth of Naruto’s happiness? The brunette nods, wanting to kiss his boyfriend. He had already forgotten all of their problems. Everything felt right as this very moment. 

“He did.” 

The older man leans in closer with his lips mere centimeters away from the brunette’s ear.

“Tenzō, I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t say it earlier.” 

Yamato jumps and gapes at his boyfriend. He felt like he was immediately on cloud 9. He had to force himself to stay seated and not immediately mount the man next to him. He lost count how many years he has been dying to hear Kakashi to say just that, and it was honestly, the best thing he has ever heard in his entire life. He pauses for second, remembering they were in public and he could not really fully express himself. Well, the moment was good while it lasted. He sighs, but nonetheless, he is still somewhat content.

“You have awful timing, Senpai.” Yamato bumps the other man with his shoulder. Naturally, Kakashi nudges him back. Their own small way of affection while also trying to be as subtle as possible. 

“This doesn’t fix anything, you know. I still want to talk to you later.” Kakashi states, killing the mood completely. 

Yamato stops moving and pulls his hand back, feeling duped by everything. Of course, their problems can’t be fixed that easily, but a man can dream. Did that man just say he loved him to agree to talking. No, he agreed to the talk before, but… what? Why did he say it all of a sudden? 

_‘Guess it really was too good to be true.’_

The younger man starts to feel his emotions take control again and his heart to race. He grips his own thigh, trying to ground himself slightly. He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. This is not the time to get upset. 

_‘Just pay attention to the wedding. Nothing else.’_

He turns his body, forcing Kakashi out of his line of sight. He did not want to think anymore. He just wanted to feel numb. If it wasn’t so important for him to be there, Yamato would be anywhere else by now. Call it running away, but he stopped caring long ago. He just wanted a single day to not wallow in his own self-pity. To forget himself, his mistakes, his relationship, and everything else in between. Sadly, this day would not be spared of his negative emotions as much as he prayed that he will be fine. 

_________________

The wedding finally came to a close, but that did not really imply the event was over. Sakura had Yamato and Kakashi in her clutches with Sai close behind her. She wants pictures. Lots of them. And what type of captain would he be, if he denied such a thing? 

Sakura was trying her best to politely shove her way through the crowd to reach Naruto, since every single person here wanted a picture with the newlyweds. If they did not want that, Yamato was sure they wanted to congratulate them personally. He did not mind this mission Sakura has put upon them though, it is pleasantly distracting. 

“Okay, the second Hinata goes to take pictures with her dad and sister, we snag Naruto. We only need about three anyway.” Sakura speaks, not breaking her concentration from Naruto and Hinata. The three males on her team all nod in unison, accepting the fact that they need to be completely ready for pictures when they get their favorite knucklehead back for a few minutes. Naruto takes a step out so his now wife, Hinata, can pose with her family. “I’m going to get him now.” She scurries off and is back with the blond within seconds. 

“What’s the rush, Sakura?” Naruto asks, genuinely confused. 

“Pictures. Now, before you have to go off and talk to more people.” Sakura answers, all while trying to get everyone posed in the right spot. Kakashi stood to the farthest right, Yamato next to him, then Naruto, and then Sai. “Perfect, don’t move.” She runs up to someone Yamato did not recognize, asking them to use her camera for her. She slips back over to them and stands next to Sai at the far-left side. 

The stranger flashes the camera and Sai chuckles a little. “I think I blinked.” He smiles and Yamato swore he heard a thud noise. Did Sakura hit him? He did not want to check and possibly ruin the next picture. The camera flashes again and Yamato feels Kakashi move. 

“I blinked that time.” Kakashi tilts his head, letting out a small laugh. Naruto and Sakura both groan in unison. 

“Sakura is going to kill us all.” Yamato warns everyone, also feeling a tad annoyed. The camera flashes for the third time. The stranger lowers the camera and frowns at them. 

“Uh, he was talking that time.” He raises an eyebrow, “Should I try a few more?”

“Captain Yamato!” Sakura snaps, clearly the most frustrated of the bunch. 

“Pffft,” Naruto starts laughing. “I really love you guys.” Kakashi joins in, and then Sai. Yamato was taken aback for a moment at what Naruto had said, but ultimately fell into laughter with everyone else. At some point, Sakura had also started giggling.

The stranger walks up and hands Sakura back her camera. “I got some good ones. I’m sorry if they’re not up to par.” He must have taken the pictures while they were clearly distracted Yamato concluded.

“I’m sure they are fine. Thank you so much.” She responds more chipper than earlier. “Okay, Naruto, you’re free. I’m going to get pictures with Hinata.” She walks off leaving all four of the guys together. 

“So, Naruto, I found out something really interesting today.” Sai smiles, and Yamato takes a small step back, hoping this could be his queue to leave the area. “It’s about Captain Yamato.” The brunette freezes, already knowing where this was going, and he will be damned if he did not stop it before it continues. So much for leaving.

“My personal life is off the table, Sai.” He glares daggers straight at the pale boy hoping intimidation will work.

“What’s wrong with Naruto knowing that you are sexually active with the man you are dating?” Sai asks sounding more sincere than usual. Naruto flips his head towards Kakashi, eyeing him up and down. Yamato finally looks at Kakashi who seems to have lost all color in his face. Was there something he was missing?

“Sai, I could have gone my whole life without thinking about Kakashi Sensei and Captain Yamato having sex.” Naruto grimaces at Kakashi while he spoke. There was definitely something Yamato was missing.

“W-What?” Yamato stammers out. “Kakashi? What?” Did Naruto just assume or did he know? Yamato had to admit Naruto is getting more perceptive as the years pass by, but still? Could he have really figured it out?

“He knows, Tenzō.” Kakashi speaks, still pale. The brunette deflates and a blush spreads across his face. 

“I was right this entire time?” Sai smiles, visibly pleased with himself. He hit the nail right on the head, of course, he will be satisfied.

“Wait, was I the first to know?” Naruto’s disgust washing straight off of him, quickly replaced with pride. “I mean, I totally knew first.” He flashes a smile trying to show off his knowledge that he acquired at some point that Yamato was not sure when. But boy, did he wish he knew when Naruto figured everything out. 

“Well, I guess I got my answer after all, but there was one thing Captain Yamato didn’t answer. You never told me how big Kakash Sensei’s di-,” Yamato slaps his hand onto Sai’s mouth, stopping him midsentence.

“Don’t.” The brunette can only form one word in that moment, but he settled that it was enough to get his point across. Maybe this was why Kakashi did not want Team 7 in particular to know about their relationship. He will accept that as an excuse, for now. 

Sai pulls the hand off his face, and smiles. “I’m sure I will find out eventually. Anyway, I’m going to excuse myself. I want to go see what Ino is up to.” And with that, the boy was gone, walking off as if their entire conversation did not happen.

“Sai is still so weird.” Naruto mutters before turning to look at the two older men. “Mmm, Kakashi Sensei, can I talk to Captain Yamato?”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t?” The silver haired man quirks an eyebrow, not quite comprehending what Naruto was asking. Yamato already knew, the blond wanted a private conversation. Well, as private as they could get at this public event.

“In private, Kakashi Sensei.” Naruto averts his eyes, visibly uncomfortable. Yamato wanted to know what was going on but felt a ting of worry in the back of his thoughts. What else does Naruto know?

“O-Oh, yeah, of course.” Kakashi shoves his hands on his pockets and saunters off awkwardly. Naruto had all of Yamato’s attention now. To be frank, he had no idea what to expect from the blond right now. Especially, since Naruto had figured out the relationship between his Sensei and Captain. Anything can come out at the moment.  
“Are you and Kakashi Sensei better?” the blond asks sheepishly. 

“Huh?” Yamato was dumbfounded. That’s what Naruto wanted to ask privately? What?

“I saw you guys fighting earlier. Kakashi Sensei thought you dumped him. He even broke a hole in the wall in the hallway. You two seem fine now though?” 

“Broke a hole in the wall? Dumped?” The older man blanks. His mind is trying very hard to connect the dots, and then it clicks. He remembers what he said earlier before the wedding had started and he feels a pang of guilt. Kakashi thought they broke up? How did he even break a hole in the wall? Yamato then recalls his boyfriend’s bandaged hand. “Oh.” 

“Yeah, ‘oh’. Are you guys better? You two are acting normal again.” Naruto deadpans.

“I-I guess. I think we are okay for now.” 

“Well, okay.”

“Is that all you wanted to know, Naruto?” 

“Uh, no, I had another question. You don’t have to answer it though.” The blond’s facial expressions change slightly from concern to almost sadness. “Do you really want to kill yourself, Captain Yamato?” 

Those words cut like a knife. Yamato was standing there slack jawed for about a solid minute before he can even think of forming words. He had no idea what to say. Should he just lie, and say no? Would it be wrong to protect Naruto from his pain too? He never wanted anyone to know, and Naruto was one of the people at the top of his list that he most definitely did not want to know. This was his tragic secret, and he wanted to keep everyone away from it as much as he could. But it seems, everything was out in the open. Every damn thing.

“That’s… um,” He mumbles feeling tears prick at his eyes. Why did that question hurt so much? Or was it just seeing Naruto in pain? The younger male’s expression was excruciating to look at. His blue eyes glisten as they began to water and his frown seems to only grow. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t do it. I know I don’t know why you feel that way, but I know that killing yourself won’t fix anything.” Some of the sadness in his face flickers away, his expression a tad more serious. “A lot of people care about you. It would hurt… it would hurt a lot of people if you did it.”

“I… know.” The brunette wanted nothing more than to crawl under a rock. He did not want to have this talk with anyone, especially Naruto. He feels a tear run down his face and he aggressively wipes it away with the back of his hand, silently cursing himself for giving in to his sadness for a second. His eyes begin to burn as he tries to keep himself composed. The situation is too overwhelming. It’s too much. He could not do this. He can’t do this. 

“I know you still think I’m some kid, but I’m older now. You can talk to me too. You have people who will listen. You don’t need to carry all that pain on your own.” Naruto places a hand on Yamato’s shoulder and tightens his grip reassuringly. “Well, right now is probably not the best time for both of us, but my door is always open.” Naruto looks around, remembering where they were and that the wedding reception was going to start.

“Yeah,” Yamato mumbles, his brain not really working. He hated to admit that he has already reached a point where he almost stopped caring about those close to him. He did not believe he deserved them after the war when he had caused so many people to die. He did not think he truly earned their love. Maybe that is why he convinced himself Kakashi did not love him. He hated himself, but it hurt too much to say out loud. There was no way he would admit this to Naruto. He just couldn’t. 

“Well, I’ll let Kakashi Sensei have you back. I have to um go take some more pictures, but don’t forget what I said, okay?” Naruto removes his hand from his captain’s shoulder and smiles softly. The older man nods, his thoughts somewhat distant to everything going on. What seems to be an eternity later, Naruto walks off, leaving Yamato standing alone drowning in his own guilt.

_'Fuck...'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I got chapter 2 done pretty quickly, but chapter 3 might take a bit longer to post. Next chapter should be the last one, but I make no promises. Also apologies for the suicide talk, and the next chapter will most likely be the tipping point so I wanted to give the warning now. I feel I should also make a comment that if you or a friend have suicidal thoughts there exist Suicide Hotlines for help. Be safe everyone. <3


	3. All the Right Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why do you want to kill yourself?” He could hear Kakashi’s voice shake with every word, feeling like knives twisting into his chest.
> 
> ‘Why did everyone have to ask the worst questions?’
> 
> “I don’t know.” He whispers, not even fooling himself.
> 
> “You do know.”
> 
> “I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicidal thoughts warning. A lot of self-loathing comments.

_‘How did I become this?’_

Yamato was never a person to complain about his own issues. If he had a problem, he would make sure it was fixed. He never needed help or any support, truly a man who could stand on his own two feet.

For as long as he could remember, he knew exactly how to keep his emotions in check. The mission was at the utmost importance, nothing else. If a comrade dies, he did not stop to mourn. If dying was the best decision to get the job done, he never hesitated at the thought. ‘Admirable’ is one term Anbu called him in Root. A child that did not fear death was something that was hard to find. A necessity in those times. He accepted it full force, taking a code name, Kinoe, and never a true name. He was okay knowing if he died, he would cease to exist as if he never truly lived in the first place.

He had changed though. He met a girl who gave him a name. He clung to that name as if he would disappear with it. He knew it was not his, but it started a spark in his heart. A spark that was soon set aflame by a boy he barely knew. This boy broke down walls Kinoe never knew he had and gave him a new life. A life where happiness exists. A life where friendships and love can be nurtured.

He became Tenzō, taking ahold of this new identity and letting it become who he was. Tenzō lived and laughed, but most importantly loved as much as his burning heart could handle. His gratitude and admiration for the boy who gave him a new life grew into something stronger, more powerful. He fell in love. Something he never believed he could ever experience.

Kakashi was that boy’s name. Tenzō loved it, the way it sounded to his hears, and how it slid off his tongue so comfortably. He was completely captivated by this masked boy. He watched that boy turn into a man, and he too grew up. He was satisfied with his life though. Standing by Kakashi was an honor, a feeling he thoroughly enjoyed. His heart continued to blaze up until it was completely extinguished.

His capture brought shame to levels he never thought he could feel, but the thing that truly doused his flames was learning of what he had done. He caused many people who were not their enemies, but allies, to die, and for that the guilt he felt became overwhelming. Tenzō was fine at first, pushing the pain away. But guilt has a way of seeping into his entire being. Eventually, it felt like quick sand, the more he tried to fight it, the deeper it swallowed him whole.

Now, he stands alone at a wedding for someone whom he cares about deeply, and dating the man he fell in love with, but feels nothing. He was drowning, suffocating as remorse pierced his soul.

Naturally, anyone would feel happy or at least a bit content in his position. The world was saved after all? The war was over and the five great nations were finally at peace, but emotions are not that simple. The mind is so much more complex and letting everything go is truly easier said than done. Yamato, sadly, was one of the many people who suffered emotionally and mentally from the aftermath of it all, and he hated himself for it.

“Hey, let’s go home.” The voice sounds distant as if it was never even there. “Tenzō?” He feels a hand on his cheek, his thoughts too far to process anything past that.

“Why?” Yamato breathes out thoughtlessly. His chest aches and his eyes refuse to focus on the person talking to him.

“Why go home? I’m a little tired, and you seem like you...” He hears the voice trail off, and he finally forces himself to look at the individual speaking. Kakashi. “You seem tired.”

“Tired? I suppose so.”

“Are you okay?” Kakashi pulls his other arm up, cupping Yamato’s face in his hands. “What did Naruto talk to you about?”

“He asked... if I wanted to kill myself.” Yamato could feel Kakashi tense up. A normal reaction that the brunette already expected out of his boyfriend. Suicide is a touchy subject to everyone, but for Kakashi, the topic is best never being brought up at all.

“What did you say to him?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I said that I don’t know.” The younger man answers, causing a silence to grow between them. He is not surprised that his boyfriend stayed quiet. He expected it. He welcomed it actually. He did not want to talk about it. He never did.

“Let’s go home.” Kakashi pulls his hands away, quickly tucking them in his pockets.

_‘He’s retreating... no shock there.’_

————

The walk home was quiet, nothing Yamato did not expect. He knew Kakashi would immediately close off, so he did not quite understand why they should even have a talk. He only hoped that the other man lost his confidence and will just pretend to go to bed, so they can just not have this conversation that was waiting to happen. Sadly, his boyfriend was determined, and not letting this go without a fight.

The older man had already thrown off his formalwear and wearing casual clothes, his normal sleeveless undershirt and grey capris. The brunette had followed suit, only wearing a baggy white T-shirt and blue shorts.

Kakashi was sitting on the couch with his head held low. Yamato wanted to lie and say he was too tired to talk, but every time he opened his mouth, nothing came out. Neither of them dares to speak as if just the sound of their voices would set off a bomb.

The younger man lets out a small sigh and sits on the coffee table so he could be directly in front of Kakashi. A part of him felt inappropriate to sit on it, but they have done worse on this table so he let it slide.

“I suppose you want me to say something?” Yamato mutters, keeping his gaze at their feet.

“Why do you want to kill yourself?” He could hear Kakashi’s voice shake with every word, feeling like knives twisting into his chest.

_‘Why did everyone have to ask the worst questions?’_

“I don’t know.” He whispers, not even fooling himself.

“You do know.”

“I don’t know.”

“Tenzō,” his voice did not shake that time. It hurt. It hurt everywhere. His body felt heavier every time Kakashi spoke. Yamato wants nothing more than having this discussion end.

“I said I don’t know!” He snaps, almost surprising himself. The room grows silent again, the only audible sound is of them breathing. He wants to run out of the room, and just leave their home entirely. He knows he could not do that though, because he would not have anywhere to go once he is done running away. He wants to kick himself for brainlessly moving in, but it really was what he wanted at the time. Now, he is not so sure what he wants, and it just adds to his list of things he hates about himself.

“Why can’t you tell me? Why do you keep shutting me out?” Kakashi has his focus on the brunette now, sorrow written all over both of their faces.

“I... a lot of people died because of me.” He budges a little, still not wanting to go into detail to the silver haired man sitting before him.

“That was not your fault. Nobody blames you either.”

“I know nobody blames me.”

“Then why do you-”

“Because I blame myself!” Yamato is shouting now. Everything hurt, and he just wants to scream. He knows he cannot run, but he can fight and if Kakashi wants answers, then he will have to fight for it. “Is that what you wanted, Kakashi!? You want me to talk about it, but I don’t want to! I hate myself! I’m fucking miserable! Is that what you wanted to hear?!” 

Kakashi’s eyes widen, watching the brunette unhinge. It is clear he had no idea what to do, and Yamato loaths it. He detests the fact that that man nagged him all day just to sit there wide eyed and absolutely silent.

“You can’t even say a damn thing!? You wanted me to talk, but you won’t say anything? I knew you couldn’t handle it!” Everything is spilling out and his blood is boiling. His ears start ringing and he feels his throat close up. “You’re the fucked up one! Not me! Why do I feel this way!? This shit never bothered me before!? I just want it to stop!”

“I’m the fucked up one?” Kakashi speaks, cutting straight through Yamato’s screaming fit. Realization hit him like a brick, and he stills with his mouth hanging open.

_‘I... said that out loud...’_

All of his anger starts to drain out of him, guilt taking its place once again. He did not mean to say it. He did not even truly believe it himself. If there was anyone fucked up, it is not Kakashi.

Yamato always believed he was the one with problems. He hates even explaining why he had his mokuton. He was just another one of Orochimaru’s experiments and then a pawn for Danzō. No, Kakashi is definitely not the messed up one compared to him.

“I-I didn’t mean it.” He stutters out. He really did not mean it. He stares at Kakashi now, looking for any trace of forgiveness in his eyes. Half of him wants to rip the mask down just to have more clues on if he could come back from this, but he could not move.

Kakashi’s face looks stony, and almost completely unreadable. Is he mad? Is he upset? Yamato cannot even begin to figure it out. He has never insulted Kakashi like this. Everything before was playful and jokes, but this... he knew damn well he crossed a line. This wasn’t a joke. This was a jab at the older man’s own emotional and mental strength. The brunette had to fight his urge to drop to the floor and beg for forgiveness, but he sits motionless praying the world would stop moving.

“It is true though.” Four words. Kakashi said only four simple words, and Yamato finally takes a breath he did not even know he was holding. Kakashi reaches up, sliding a thumb on the younger man’s cheek. “You started crying. I have never seen you cry before.”

Yamato’s eyes dart down at the hand on his face, suddenly registering that Kakashi was actually wiping tears away. He sits stunned for a good minute, his mind completely blank.

_‘I’m crying? I... can’t even remember the last time I have cried?’_

“I’m so sorry.” He chokes out feeling every wall he has ever built shatter like glass all at once. It was painful and overwhelming, and he could not stop it. Years of pent up emotions start to flood out of him like a broken dam. It was too much. All he is able to do is just sit there dazed with tears streaming down his face and his breathing shuttering slightly. He was so angry, but now, he is not quite sure what he is feeling. Sorrow? Guilt? Regret? Anger? Everything?

Suddenly, Kakashi pulls him in, burying Yamato’s face into his chest. The brunette can feel an arm wrap around his head, holding him close letting him fall deeper into the embrace.

He fumbles with his hands, not quite sure what to do when crying, but finds himself gripping his chest. His heart ached more than it ever has in his entire life but clawing at it seems to be doing nothing. He feels panic start to rise within him, and his breathing start to become shallower. He wants the pain to stop.

_‘Why won’t it stop?’ Why can’t I make the pain go away? I can’t do this!’_

He shoves himself away from Kakashi, his breathing starting to become uncontrollably fast. He stumbles back trying to get off the coffee table and slips to the ground. His hand still gripped at his chest and his heart racing as he stays sitting upright on the wooden floor.

Kakashi is next to him instantly, his mask down. Yamato absorbs that the other man was speaking, but he could not process anything. The room starts to spin, fear overriding everything.

_‘Why can’t this feeling go away? Make it stop.’_

“You need to slow down your breathing. Please, Tenzō.” Kakashi’s voice sounds distant, but Yamato hears him. “Count to four and breath in. Then count to four and breath out. Please.” The older man’s voice sounds calm and soothing as he tries to talk.

The brunette does not listen though, still gasping for air. His dizziness is getting worse, causing him to panic more. He feels like he is suffocating as if the room has suddenly run out of oxygen and he cannot escape.

“Tenzō, please. Do this for me? Count to four and breathe in.”

Yamato tries to pause his breathing, finally understanding what Kakashi said. _‘One... two... three... four...’_ He takes in a breath, holding it in. _‘One... two... three... four,’_ he breathes out. He continues to repeat the process, forcing himself out of his panic attack. He could feel his heart rate slow down along with his breathing. Gradually, the room began to still and he starts to relax.

Exhaustion creeps into his bones and his body feels suddenly too heavy to support. The after effects of his panic attack already settling in. He frowns, always hating this awful sensation. It left him feeling hollow and achy all over every time. He notices his throat feeling more open but completely worn, and he accepts his fatigue. He lies down on the floor shakily, still trying to control his breathing.

“You feeling better?” Kakashi mutters, and Yamato looks over at the man who is sitting on his knees only a few centimeters away.

“I feel awful, but I guess I am better.” He closes his eyes as he answers. He only keeps them closed for a few moments, because his eyes burned worse with them shut. He could feel his head pound and his stomach turning, nausea setting in now. “I don’t remember the last time I have cried, but I remember why.”

“I’m sure the panic attack didn’t help.”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

“I’m sorry.” Kakashi whispers, almost too quiet for the younger man to hear him. “I’m sorry... I shouldn’t have made you... I’m so sorry...” The silver haired man drops his head, his fists balled tight onto the floor. He is visibly shaking, his composure melting away.

Yamato watches the man apologize, practically begging for forgiveness. He wants to look away, he did not want to look at Kakashi like this. His heart is breaking at the scene, it is torture.

“I was being selfish. I forced you to talk without even thinking about how you felt. I didn’t know... I didn’t think... I’m sorry.”

Yamato knew he had to speak. He had to move. He needed to do something, but he continues to lie there, his left hand still gripping his chest while the other lay flat on the ground. His body feels almost numb besides his aching heart. His mind feels blank but overwhelmed at the same time, and for a moment he wonders if he is actually dead.

“I am pathetic, aren’t I?” The brunette mumbles gravelly. He drags his vision towards the ceiling, but he sees Kakashi out of the corner of his eye jump, the man’s head swinging up with a jolt. Maybe speaking had startled the older man. “I act all tough, trying to protect you, but here I am. I guess my secret is out. I am sorry I am not as strong you hoped.”

“You’re not pathetic. If anything, I am!” Kakashi leans over Yamato, blocking his view of the ceiling and forcing them to look at each other. “I didn’t mean to ever make you feel that you needed to hide this from me.”

“You’re not pathetic.” He releases his hand from his heart, and cups it around Kakashi’s face. “I’m sorry that I didn’t want you to know how bad I have gotten.”

“How often do they happen? Your attacks, how often?” The older man asks, concern laced into every word. Yamato mulls over the question, naturally wanting to lie, but the secret is out in the open. He can’t keep hiding this forever. He knows he needs to tell the truth.

“Not too often. My last one was two weeks ago, but they are becoming more frequent.” He did not want to admit it, but he is aware he is getting worse.

“Can I ask what triggers it? Is that too much? You don’t have to tell me.” Kakashi scoots himself closer, grabbing the hand on his face, holding it in place.

“A lot of things. The stuff with Orochimaru and Danzō can get to me at times, but it’s really my own thoughts. If I dwell too long, I get upset. Not particularly about what happened, but more or less just because it did. If it never happened, the stuff in the war could have been avoided.” He pauses for a moment debating on if he should continue. He sighs, trying to keep himself calm. “If I didn’t survive what Orochimaru did, a lot of deaths would have not happened. I hate that I lived. I hate that I wanted to live back then. Why did I even want to live? Being alive is painful.” He swallows hard, composing himself as much as possible.

“Well, I am glad you lived. I am happy that you somehow are in front of me alive.”

“Why? I don’t make that much of a difference in this world. I don’t even know my real name or my family, it’s as if I don’t exist already. I haven’t done much good for it to matter.”

“You have done a lot of good things. I wouldn’t even be alive if I never met you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was lost before I met you. Everyone I had died, and nobody understood. It hurt and I was alone, but you... back then... you trusted me. You chose to go against Danzō, risking your own life for me. I didn’t deserve it, but I... knew I had a purpose then. I needed to protect you. I needed to protect everyone I cared about. You gave me hope that I never believed I could get back.” Kakashi’s grip on Yamato’s hand tightens as he frowns down at the brunette. “You were like a light at the end of the tunnel, and I just kept following it. I believed if I held on for you, maybe... things will get better... and they did.”

“I gave you... purpose...?” The younger man stares, completely stunned. He thought this whole time what Kakashi had done back then was normal. He thought Kakashi just labeled him as a friend because that is just what he does. He had no idea that boy back then was the one who needed to be saved. He had no idea that he saved that boy in more ways than one.

“I don’t even know where I would be if I didn’t meet you, Tenzō. I... I love you... I love you so much.” Kakashi bites his lip, trying to hold back tears. “So please, keeping living. I know the pain of what happened in the war won’t go away tomorrow, but I know it’ll get easier. It’ll get better. Everything will be okay.” The brunette almost did not hear the rest of what the other man had said when he heard him say ‘I love you’. The way he said it sounded so real that it was almost captivating as if Yamato saw color for the first time.

“You said it.” Yamato grins tiredly while trying to push himself up with his elbow. “You said you love me.”

“I- yeah. I said it earlier too?” A blush creeps on to Kakashi’s face.

“Yeah, but... I don’t know. This time it feels better.” He sits up, closing the gap a little between them.

“I don’t-” Yamato pulls Kakashi into a kiss, letting their lips mesh together. The younger man was exhausted, but he felt it, a spark in his heart, igniting once again. It did not feel quite the same, but he is okay with that. A new love for this man was born, and he is ready to let him in. They love each other, and for the first time in a long time, he feels fully content where he is.

Kakashi pulls Yamato deeper into the kiss as if the world would end the second they break away. The younger man pushes him down, straddling him on the floor. He fumbles a little, sliding his hands underneath Kakashi’s shirt causing the man to groan underneath him.

Yamato wants more, but his body was heavy with fatigue. As much as he did not want to, he breaks away from the kiss. He frowns and lays his head in the crook of the other man’s neck.

“What’s wrong?” Kakashi’s breath on his ear sends tingles down his spine, making him whine. He wants that man so bad.

“I’m too tired.” He groans, annoyed with himself. “I’m sorry.” He can feel the older man trace circles on his back through his shirt soothingly. He relaxes into the touch, and his eyelids start to feel heavier than they did a moment ago.

“It’s fine. I’m pretty tired too actually.” Kakashi pauses to kiss Yamato’s ear lightly before continuing to speak. “Bed?”

The brunette nods into Kakashi’s neck and continues to lie there for a few seconds longer before rolling off. The older man shoves himself off the floor and helps pull Yamato up into a standing position.

“I love you, Tenzō.” Kakashi smiles at him with tired eyes.

“I love you too.” Yamato answers sleepily, but grins back nonetheless.

————

He lies on his back, with his gaze fixed on the door for no reason in particular. The sun is going to rise soon, leaving the room a light shade of blue. Yamato has found himself waking early and not being able to fall back to sleep more often these days. For a while, he had blamed it on his fear of not waking up for Kakashi when he had nightmares, but usually it was his own brain keeping him awake.

His thoughts seem to be worse in the morning when he feels he has been thrusted into a new day. Loneliness and self-loathing was the worst, and still seems to be the case. He hoped that he would feel better after everything that happened last night, but of course, it was like putting a band aid on it. He felt fine in the moment, happy even, but he knew his problems wouldn’t fix overnight.

He hears Kakashi sigh, and he looks over to see the shirtless man is still asleep. He hopes for a moment that he woke up, but it seems the silver haired man was just stirring in his sleep. The older man rolls over, lying his arm across the brunette’s front. Yamato smiles for a moment and goes back to staring at the door.

He wonders for a moment if he should just slip out of bed and go for a walk or anything to occupy his mind, but at the same time, he did not want to leave his boyfriend. He has the week off, so he really did not want to abuse the time he had with Kakashi.

He got used to his shifts of watching over Orochimaru though, a week on and a week off, but usually his week off has been feeling longer as of late. Kakashi is usually busy, so they only really have their few moments in the morning and the evening. He tries to occupy his time during the day as much as possible, but it has gotten more tiresome.

He found himself not wanting to go out and buy food for dinner or cook in general. A thing Kakashi noticed about a month ago and has taken it upon himself to make breakfast and dinner now. Surprisingly enough, the man is a great cook, a skill that Yamato never expected for him to have. He really could not complain other than feeling guilty for no longer helping with the food. He did not quite understand it himself, but he just lacked the energy to do those things anymore.

Nonetheless, he still tries to find things to do in the day while Kakashi is away. He sometimes spends time with Sakura, Sai, or Naruto, though he mostly feels like he is being dragged around by them and ends up wishing he stayed home half the time because they could be exhausting very quickly. If he isn’t with them, he usually hangs out with Aoba and his friends. He was thankful for Aoba, they had bonded when watching over Naruto with Guy, and ended up creating a friendship that has lasted almost three years. Of course, the rest of Aoba’s friends also became Yamato’s friends, Genma and Raidō. Those three accepted Yamato with open arms turning their odd trio into an odd quartet.

He ponders the idea of trying to see those three men today, but remembers Aoba had a mission today and would not be in the village. He enjoyed Genma and Raidō’s company too, but sometimes they seem to be so in tune with each other that he feels like an awkward third wheel. He on occasion wondered if there was something more between them, but he chooses to keep to himself on that. He can probably ask Aoba later if he remembers.

“Can’t sleep?” Kakashi snaps Yamato out of his thoughts, startling him slightly. The brunette just answers with the shake of head saying ‘no’. “Something bothering you?”

“No, just couldn’t go back to sleep.”

“Hmm, something on your mind then?”

“I was wondering what to do today, I suppose.” Yamato chews on his cheek, thinking distantly.

_‘I don’t even want to do anything today...’_

“I should probably get ready so I can head to the office.” Kakashi sits up slowly as if sleep still has not completely left him. “I guess I can make breakfast really quick...”

“Hey, um... I have a question before we get up?” Yamato props himself up on his elbows, not wanting to fully get up just yet. “Last night... how did you know how to stop me from having a panic attack?”

Kakashi’s eyes widen for a second as his face turns a light shade of pink. He fidgets a bit looking as if contemplating on answering the question.

“It’s embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing?” Yamato echoes him, not understanding the statement.

“It’s a long story.” Kakashi frowns and rubs the back of his head for a few moments. “I guess I can tell you.”

Yamato shoves himself up so he could sit on the bed, wanting to be fully engaged for this ‘long story’. He would be lying if he said he was not curious. It was bothering him last night too, wanting to know how Kakashi knew exactly what to do, but knowing there’s a story behind it made it all the more interesting.

“I was I don’t know thirteen? Maybe fourteen. I can’t remember. This was after Rin had... um...” He pauses for a moment, and Yamato was about to make him stop, but he continues. “She was dead, and so was Obito... Minato Sensei wanted me to have dinner at his house. He thought it’d be good for me, but I was... I wasn’t doing good back then. I went though. He wasn’t at the house yet, but his wife was home, Kushina. I wanted to duck and run when she answered the door actually. I knew he was married, but I was... I don’t know. I felt it was too personal to be there all of a sudden.”

“So, did you leave?”

“No, Kushina dragged me in. She was making dinner and said Minato Sensei would be home in a bit. Apparently, they didn’t expect me to show up early.”

“You? Early? What world was this?” Yamato jokes trying to break some of the tension in the conversation. Kakashi cracks a small smile at the comment, but it fades away.

“I used to be fairly punctual when I was younger. I was either on time or early, never late... Anyways, I stayed in the kitchen with her. She talked a lot. I remember getting a little annoyed by it, but when she talked about Minato Sensei... it was different. I was... jealous?”

“Jealous?” The brunette raises an eyebrow.

“The way she talked about him, you could tell she loved him a lot. I wanted that, but I believed I didn’t deserve it. I never thought anyone could ever love me as much as she loved Minato Sensei.”

“O-Oh,” Yamato stutters realizing why Kakashi didn’t want to talk about it. He hated that he could relate. He hated that Kakashi felt that way back then, and silently cursed himself for not meeting him sooner.

“It kind of reminded me of how Rin talked about Obito. He could do no wrong in her eyes. I know people told me she had a crush on me and looked at me differently, but she loved Obito. I... got overwhelmed when I started thinking about them. I started panicking, because I just knew Obito would never forgive me for what happened to Rin. I ended up having a panic attack, right there, in the middle of Sensei’s kitchen.”

“In front of Kushina-san?”

“Yeah, I remember her grabbing me and telling me to breathe. She even ripped my mask off thinking it was making it worse. She said to count to four and breathe in, and then count to four and breathe out. It took me awhile to do it, because she looked so scared, I ended up just panicking more. When I finally stopped, I locked myself in their bathroom. I was so embarrassed for that to happen, and I knew Sensei would find out and he would never let me leave his side after that.”

“Did she tell him?”

“No, she didn’t. She was talking to me through the door asking if I was okay. I just... I yelled at her to leave me alone. I wish I had apologized for it to be honest. She cared and I was... difficult.”

“What happened when you left the bathroom?”

“I came out and found her in the kitchen. She had dropped a pot of food, and she was trying to clean it up. I felt even worse because of that, but she acted as if nothing had happened. Like she dropped it because she was being clumsy, but I knew she must have dropped it when I was having my panic attack. The entire dinner was burned or on the floor. I ruined the whole thing.”

“But it wasn’t your fault that happened. You went through so much back then. You shouldn’t feel bad for that.” Yamato says, but completely understands how the other man had felt. He was embarrassed even thinking about last night.

“I know, and she never made a complaint about it. She threw everything away and we got take out. I asked her when we were getting food to not tell Minato Sensei, and she said she wouldn’t but if it happens again, she will. She might have told him, and I just never knew. But yeah, that’s how I knew what to do last night... Nothing better than from your own experience... I guess.” 

“I... don’t know what to say... I’m sorry for asking.” The brunette frowns, not quite sure if he wanted to pry any further. He still had a lot of questions, but it seems this story answered more than he expected.

“It’s fine, you probably should know anyway. Things are better now, and I have you too.” Kakashi smiles softly at Yamato, the sun rays that broke through the window illuminates his face making him appear as if he was glowing after that statement. The younger man is left almost breathless by the sight, Kakashi can be so beautiful at times. 

The older man hops out of bed swiftly and starts to fish through a drawer of his dresser. He pulls out a white T-shirt and throws it on. He walks back over to Yamato and holds out a hand, “Follow me to the kitchen for breakfast?” That gentle smile never left his face from his earlier statement, almost leaving the brunette in a trance all while taking his hand and going to the kitchen. “I think I am only going to grill some fish and make rice. Something simple today. Is that alright?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

Making breakfast felt quick, and Kakashi ate quicker when he had realized how late he actually was to the office. An hour and twelve minutes to be exact. He had got dressed in a hurry, but still looked pleasantly presentable. Yamato had walked Kakashi to the door, saying their goodbyes quicker than he wanted to but he did not want to complain since his boyfriend is the Hokage. But, this morning Kakashi did not just say the usual, “I will see you later,” and head off. Today, he said, “I love you, Tenzō. I will see you when I get home.” It was different, but nice. A good change to the brunette’s morning. 

He felt happy when Kakashi left, but when he went back to his breakfast his boyfriend made, some of that contentment slips away. He did not even take a bite of the food because he was not hungry. Another thing that has been a problem, his appetite has become more or less nonexistent the past few weeks, and he had no idea why. Kakashi was gone, so he did not have to force himself to eat. Since he did not have to eat, he left it untouched, and makes his way back to their bedroom. He slides back into bed letting his thoughts come crawling back in. 

He is alone with his mind, and he almost wished Kakashi did not have to leave every morning. He only prayed sleep would take over again just so the day won’t feel as long.

"I really hate being alone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished chapter 3. This one was tough, and I decided to continue this fic. I am not sure how many chapters I aim for, but I decided just because Yamato talked to Kakashi, his problems don't necessarily go away. I want to try to get some more of his problems resolved before ending this fic. I hope you guys continue to enjoy it.


	4. Blood of the Covenant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good morning.” Aoba smiles while adjusting his glasses.
> 
> “Morning, sunshine. Your boytoy told us you were feeling down, so the Calvary’s here.” Genma smirks while chewing on his senbon.
> 
> “What he means, is that we heard you are under the weather and we wanted to fix that.” Raidō grins softly, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.
> 
> “I was gonna bring alcohol, but Raidō said no.” Genma nudges the scarred man while snickering.
> 
> “Alcohol does not fix everyone’s problems.” Raidō interjects.
> 
> “Boytoy? What? What is going on?” Yamato finally speaks trying to get a grasp of the situation.

Hours pass, drawing the end of the day closer and closer. Yamato still has not left his bed since morning. He slept for a while, but he did not quite seem to gain any energy from it. He lost count of how many times he has tossed over, not reaching any type of comfortable position. The day felt incredibly long, and at some point, he showered to give himself something to do. He wanted to go out, but he just could not bring himself to leave his home.

He hated this feeling that comes and goes where he just does not want to do anything. He just sleeps, showers, and repeats. His appetite has started to wither away at some point, and eventually, he stopped worrying about it. He would sometimes go without eating for days just because nothing tastes the same anymore and he automatically felt full the second the food touched his tongue. It made him feel worse at times, because Kakashi’s cooking was one of the simple joys he had in his life and he cannot really taste it anymore.

Everything tasted bland and disappointing, and he loathed the fact that eating became a chore to him. He would sometimes force himself to eat but has gotten by on mostly food pills. He needed to keep his nutrition up somehow as a ninja even if it truly was not enough.

He debates on eating what Kakashi made this morning, even if it is a few hours old and has sat out almost all day but opts to stay in bed. He will throw it away later. He pulls the covers over his head, hoping maybe he can get any sleep and feel better.

————

His eyes snap open, hearing the front door open. His ninja skills baring its fangs even when he slept. He hears Kakashi down the hall say, “I’m home,” and he closes his eyes, pretending to sleep.

He listens for Kakashi to come down the hall into the room, but it remains silent in the house. He wondered for a moment if the copy ninja was purposely being quiet and was actually in the room, but finally hears a sound from the kitchen. A plate clatters into the sink, and he scrunches up his face remembering he forgot to throw the food away.

He opens his eyes and his boyfriend was in the doorway. Mask down and tired grey eyes stare back at him.

“Did you eat today?” Kakashi frowns and takes a few steps into the room. “Did you not like what I made? I could have cooked something else.”

“I wasn’t hungry.” Yamato mutters. Kakashi plops himself on the bed, making the mattress squeak quietly.

“Are you not feeling well?” The older man pulls a glove off, reaching out to place a hand on Yamato’s forehead.

“I’m fine. I’m just not hungry.” He says while gently pushing the hand away.

“Did you eat today?”

“I- Yeah, I did.”

“What did you eat?”

“Um, I ate rice.”

“The rice I made was untouched, and there were no dirty dishes.”

“I cleaned the dishes and put them away.”

“So, you made more rice, and ate all of it. Then cleaned and put everything away?”

“Mhmmm,” he nods, lying straight through his teeth.

“You didn’t put away the plate I made you this morning though. You made more food, cleaned, and put it away, but you left that plate out?”

“I-I forgot about it.” He stutters, deceiving Kakashi is just way too difficult when he had no energy for it. “It’s completely possible for me to forget.”

“You don’t forget things, Tenzō. I know how you are. Well, at least I think I know.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He straightens up, scowling at the man.

“I just... I’m trying, okay? I make one step forward and you take two steps back. I am worried about you, and it’s... killing me.” Kakashi sighs and drops his head. “What am I doing wrong?”

“I...” Yamato clenches his jaw, feeling guilt wave over him. “I didn’t eat today. I haven’t been hungry, and I don’t know why. I didn’t want you to worry, but I guess I did anyway.”

“Is there anything you are willing to eat? You need something in your system. I will go out and get whatever you want.”

“No, you don’t need to do that. I’ll eat whatever you make.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah, I promise. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“It’s fine. I’m going to go start making dinner.” Kakashi leans forward, kissing Yamato’s forehead before exiting the room. The brunette takes in a deep breath, and exhales sadly. His habits of keeping his problems to himself are truly going to be difficult to break.

————

Two weeks have passed since their talk, and Yamato was back home from watching over Orochimaru. That mission has slowly become more brain dead. Follow the strange man everywhere, but when Orochimaru did nothing, it was really mind numbing. He sometimes talked to the other ninja out there that accompany him, but the conversations are usually short and dry. Nonetheless, he did not mind this mission anymore. It kept his mind occupied, but also was so dead brain simple that it made things easier.

He admits though, he is tired and his feet hurt from being on his feet for God knows how long. He made it back to the village early in the morning and had already notified the Hokage he returned. The only thing he wanted to do was sleep the second he got home, and nobody could stop him.

He had already stripped into just shorts, skipping putting on a new shirt. He figures going shirtless might give him a bit more comfort sleeping. Right before he drops into bed, a knock at the door stops him. He freezes, not sure whether to ignore the sound or see who dares keep him from sleeping. The knocking continues, but it multiplied as if more than one person was doing it.

“Yamato, we know you’re in there!” Gemma’s muffled shout reaches all the way to the bedroom. “Open the doooooooooor!” The multiple knocking continues, and he sighs.

_‘What if it’s an emergency?’_

He decides that potential reason for Genma to be there was enough to drag him to the front door. He opens it and Genma, Raidō, and Aoba are standing there.

“Good morning.” Aoba smiles while adjusting his glasses.

“Morning, sunshine. Your boytoy told us you were feeling down, so the Calvary’s here.” Genma smirks while chewing on his senbon.

“What he means, is that we heard you are under the weather and we wanted to fix that.” Raidō grins softly, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

“I was gonna bring alcohol, but Raidō said no.” Genma nudges the scarred man while snickering.

“Alcohol does not fix everyone’s problems.” Raidō interjects.

“Boytoy? What? What is going on?” Yamato finally speaks trying to get a grasp of the situation.

“Lord Sixth said you haven’t been feeling yourself lately, and well, we decided to come check on you.” Aoba explains.

“Yeah, you guys are still dating, right? Heard something happened at the kid’s wedding.” Genma asks. Yamato quickly concludes the man was talking about Naruto but continues to let them all explain themselves.

“We should probably not have this discussion out in the open.” Raidō hisses quietly. Yamato blinks, realizing they wanted to come in. He backs up and gestures for the men to come in. They shuffle in, making their way towards the living room.

“I brought playing cards just in case you didn’t want to actually talk.” Aoba holds up a box of cards, and Genma immediately snags it from him.

“You guys are still dating, right?” Genma repeats while pulling the cards out. Aoba and Genma sit on the floor around the coffee table while Raidō sits down on the couch. Yamato stood a bit away from the couch.

“Yes, we are.” Yamato finally answers. He almost forgot that he told the three men about a month ago that he was dating the Hokage. It felt nice to let his friends know about his relationship, even if they had to pretend they did not know around his boyfriend. Kakashi was not out at the time, and he wanted to make sure his friends respect that. To be honest, Yamato still was not quite sure if his boyfriend was out or not yet.

“You know that everyone knows now, right?” Aoba says while watching Genma try to shuffle the cards.

“You can miss quite a bit in a week, but word traveled fast after the wedding.” Genma adds while fumbling with the cards. The cards fall, scattering on the table. “Ugh, fuck this. You do it, Aoba.” Aoba chuckles while gathering the cards together.

“Wait, so people know Kakashi is dating me?” Yamato narrows his eyes at the man chewing on his senbon.

“People know he is dating someone named Captain Yamato.” Raidō clarifies, dragging Yamato’s attention towards him.

_‘Captain Yamato... Sai...’_

“Sai probably.” Yamato grumbles and brings his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Of course, Sai had to say something once he knew he was right.

“Luckily, not everyone knows who Yamato is. So, people don’t know he is dating you per se.” Genma adds while watching Aoba shuffle the cards. “How the hell do you do that?” Aoba just replies with a proud smirk.

“I guess one perk of being me is that barely anyone knows who I am.” Yamato sighs. “I’m going to go put a shirt on.” He exits the room and makes his way to the bedroom. He grabs a white T-shirt and throws it on. He pauses for a moment noticing the shirt felt a little longer.

‘Kakashi’s shirt...’

He debates for a moment on changing the shirt but keeps it. He goes back to the living room and sits next to Raidō on the couch.

“How do you do that? Seriously, Aoba.” Genma grumbles watching Aoba shuffle the cards a final time. The man handling the cards just chuckles while sorting a hand between him and Genma at the table.

“Do you two want to play too?” Aoba glances at the two men sitting on the couch. Raidō answers with the shake of a head saying ‘no’.

“I’ll sit out this round.” Yamato replies. He sits up a bit, leaning forward towards the men at the table. “So, how are people reacting to Kakashi dating a man?” He would be lying if he said he was not worried about what people are saying. He already fears the worst, but he remains as calm as he could be.

“Well, not that many people are actually bothered.” Aoba states while looking at his hand of five cards.

“Surprised is probably a better term.” Raidō adds. “Everyone just assumed the man would die alone... no offense, Yamato.”

“None taken. Is it safe to assume that everyone is either neutral or positive then?” Yamato asks, nerves getting the best of him.

“I mean, of course, there’s gonna be some negative. It doesn’t really matter what those people say though, right?” Genma mumbles while frowning at his own hand of cards. “Do you have any sixes?”

“Go fish.” Aoba smiles.

“Are you guys really playing go fish? Are you two eight years old?” Raidō scoffs.

“Do you have any eights?” Aoba chuckles. Genma grumbles and hands over his card.

“What are the negative opinions?” Yamato draws the men back to their previous conversation, his anxiety building slightly.

“Huh? Oh yeah... people are bothered that Kakashi won’t get married and have kids. Like be a family man, wife and children.” Genma finally explains.

“Kakashi would probably drop dead before that ever happens.” Aoba laughs and almost drops his cards. “I mean Lord Sixth.”

“I don’t understand why that would even be a problem. Lady Tsunade did not get married or have children either.” Raidō crosses his arms, visibly annoyed.

“Okay, but people complained about her drinking and gambling problems. Everyone has to complain about something. I guess Lord Sixth liking men is going to be the thing.” Genma mumbles while chewing his senbon. “Fours?” Aoba slides a card across the table.

“I don’t really like that being the thing people complain about...” Yamato mutters disappointed in the news his friends are giving him.

“It’s not all bad though. A lot of people support Lord Sixth. Do you have any twos?” Aoba says while collecting Gemma’s card.

“How? What do you mean?” Yamato almost feels embarrassed for the amount of questions, but these guys were being a little too vague for his liking.

“People think it’s good that he is happy with someone, but some people are glad he came out I guess. A lot of people are um... coming out as well.” Genma looks over at Yamato, and he sets his cards down. “Ya know Izumo and Kotetsu, right? They’re dating. Apparently, they have been for years, but now, they are actually... telling people. Before it was a secret. Though, I called it. It was obvious there was something going on between them. Oh yeah, Aoba, don’t you owe me money for betting on that. You said they were just friends.”

“You guys really bet on their relationship?” The scarred man squints at the two sitting on the ground.

“Hey, remember I bet Yamato and Lord Sixth were dating. We are even.” Aoba snickers.

“You guys bet on my relationship with Kakashi?” It was now Yamato’s turn to squint at them. These two were always such a bad pair when Raidō did not talk sense into them. He wondered if this was why Aoba never felt like a third wheel to Genma and Raidō. They were like fire and gasoline, mix together and they can truly go wild if they wanted. Today, though, he admits those two were acting pretty tame only playing a children’s card game.

“You never stopped talking about Kakashi. I don’t know when I connected the dots, but I just remember thinking..., ‘Yamato would only deal with all this if they’re having sex.’ And, you guys are.” Aoba explains, a little blunter than Yamato expected.

“I don’t want to think about them having sex, thanks.” Genma whines, picking his cards back up.

“Why? You jealous?” Aoba snickers, holding his cards up so he can hide behind them. Yamato stares at them, completely red-faced. Can the embarrassment stop?

“Fuck no!” Genma shoots a card at the other man at the table, causing his snickers to turn into full blown laughter. “Also, if we are all being honest. Yamato can do better. Why would I be jealous?”

“Here we go with the ‘Kakashi is actually a jerk, and I don’t trust him’ rant.” Raidō sighs, leaning himself further into the couch.

“People don’t change, Raidō. It’s like one day, he just suddenly didn’t have a stick up his ass anymore. It. does. not. make. sense.”

“The man went through a lot of shit. Traumatic shit. We should be lucky he turned a new leaf instead of just going insane.”

“That’s why it doesn’t make sense, Raidō.”

“How can you still be bothered how he acted as a kid?”

“Because I was on Guy’s team, and I sadly, ran into Kakashi a lot. He was always so damn cocky and a know it all about every damn thing.”

“I know, but still. You need to let it go.”

“Okay, when Kakashi does anything mean to Yamato. I’m going to be the first to say ‘told you so’.”

“I doubt that.” Aoba finally shoves himself into the bickering. “Kakashi treats Yamato completely different from anyone else.”

“How did this conversation get here?” Yamato whispers dryly, not sure how to actually stop this discussion from continuing to snowball.

“I mean, if you have such a problem, Genma. Why don’t you just date Yamato then? If he can do so much better? That is, assuming you are better.” Aoba grins, and Yamato feels himself very close to hitting the brakes on this conversation. He finally realizes the two men were actually trying to rile Genma up for kicks, and to be frank, Yamato was not fond of the idea happening at his own expense.

“Okay, one, Kakashi would kill me.” Genma points at Aoba menacingly. “Two, I don’t want to fucking die.” Yamato sighs, trying to conjure a way to push this talk in a different direction. Since they all seem to be in a joking mood, he figures he needs to probably say something somewhat funny.

“Genma would never date me. We all know he is too in love with Raidō to ever do that.” Yamato smirks, hoping he finally shoved the jokes off himself. Genma blushes furiously and fumbles with his cards until they all just fall out of his hands.

“Pffft,” is the only sound Aoba makes before bursting into laughter. He is practically howling, unable to contain himself. Yamato looks over at Raidō who is covering his mouth, also trying very hard to not laugh. Success.

“I don’t... what... Okay, conversation over. I hate you all.” Genma sputters for a moment but regathers himself and the cards he clumsily dropped moments ago. “Seriously, fuck you guys. Aoba, give me a damn nine.”

“Go fish.”

“Ugh!”

Yamato smiles softly noticing how light he suddenly felt. It was as if he was not even tired or anxious minutes ago. He is happy, and grateful his friends showed up. They are probably one of his favorite distractions from all of his problems. All jokes aside, these three always somehow knew how to cheer him up without even trying. Was it just because they know how to cheer each other up that it just comes easy to put a smile back on Yamato’s face?

His worry about people’s opinions still float in the back of his mind, but he chooses to ignore it. It was a problem for another day if it really was a problem.

“Hey, so is everything alright?” Raidō mutters, now focusing straight on Yamato. “Genma did not really give me all the details, but he seemed pretty worried.”

“I... um...” Yamato pauses, contemplating on telling Raidō was has actually been going on inside his head. He takes a quick glance at the two at the table. They were so focused on their game that it seems they did not even hear Raidō speak.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I’m willing to listen if you need it.” The scarred man speaks softly, and Yamato can already feel his will give out. He wants to talk to his friend. Raidō, being the eldest of all of them, always seemed to have the right answer. He is truly the ‘mom friend’. Yamato was so used to being considered the ‘mom friend’ with most people, that it was almost alarming that Raidō had out-mommed him. He was not complaining though, it was nice to have someone else take the role.

“I have been having problems actually. I have talked to Tsunade about it, and she told me... I have anxiety and depression. It’s kind of new to me, but it has been getting worse.” Yamato whispers unintentionally. Raidō leans in closer to him, almost making their talk more personal. The other two men still have not noticed.

“Hmm... so what is exactly happening? How is it getting worse?”

“Well, for starters, I had an anxiety attack two weeks ago when I was arguing with Kakashi.”

“What exactly causes the attack? You don’t have to tell me.” Raidō asks in a hushed tone. Yamato did not really want to tell him, but every time Raidō said he did not have to, he wanted to.

“I don’t really know. I have just been feeling really... down? Or overwhelmed? Both? And... I haven’t really been honest with Kakashi. I don’t want him to know how I feel, and when I did... I just...”

“I understand. Just too much, huh?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“What do you mean you haven’t been honest with him?” Raidō leans forward a tad more, almost as if he is trying to make their talk more private. Yamato stills for a moment, upset Raidō finally reached a question he did not want to answer at all.

“HOW DID YOU WIN!?” Genma yells causing the two on the couch to jump. “You cheated, didn’t you!?”

“No way! I just got lucky.” Aoba smirks, openly satisfied with his win. Genma grumbles and shoves himself off the floor.

“I’m gonna go raid the kitchen. Cheaters aren’t allowed,” Genma glares at Aoba and goes off to the kitchen. The man sitting on the floor just chuckles and sneaks after him. “No cheaters allowed!” Yamato hears Genma yell from the other room, and he smiles. These guys truly are something.

“Well, that was...” Raidō trails off, still looking off towards where the men had walked off. “Random?”

“Yeah...” Yamato responds, hoping Raidō had forgotten where their conversation left off.

“So, what have you not been honest about?” Raidō turns back around to face Yamato. Well, he had hoped for a moment at least.

“Uh...just you know... everything?”

“Can you elaborate?” The scarred man raises an eyebrow in response.

“If I’m upset, I say I’m not. If something is bothering me, I tell him that there is nothing wrong. If he asks if I’m okay, I say I’m fine. It’s little things, but I... am starting to wonder if they are actually not little things.” Yamato slumps into the couch. He could tell it wasn’t right, and it became even more clear when he admitted it.

“Well, are the things that upset you little things?”

“No, they’re not.” He looks down at his lap, feeling his anxiety start to gnaw at him. “They’re big things.”

“Can you give me an example?”

“I guess I should just cut straight to the point. My... capture in the war... has been bothering me. It makes me feel guilty. I hate it. It’s like this guilt is just rotting me from the inside out.” He feels anxious, but he needed to tell someone. He needed a friend right now, and Raidō was the easiest option.

“But-”

“Do you and Kakashi seriously only eat healthy food?” Genma barges back into the room, cutting Raidō off. “No snacks at all?” Yamato shakes his head, actually having no idea what is in his kitchen. He has been gone a week, so Kakashi must have restocked. He knows that man was never one for getting junk food in general, especially sweets.

“We can go for a snack run?” Aoba suggests while walking back into the living room.

“You two can go. Yamato and I are talking right now.” Raidō says while looking back at them with his body facing Yamato.

“Okay, I guess. We will be right back.” Genma chews his senbon accepting that Raidō did not want to tag along. The scarred man just nods to them as if they somehow had some type of telepathy going on and Yamato was the only one not in their wordless agreement. Aoba and Genma leave without another word, and Raidō looks back over at Yamato.

“So, um, where was I?” Raidō smiles awkwardly.

“I feel guilty.” Yamato answers, jogging the older man’s memory quickly.

“Oh, right. I was going to say it’s not your fault before I got interrupted.” He sighs.

“Yeah, Kakashi says the same thing.”

“So, you told him about how you feel?”

“Not completely. I told him I feel guilty, and I just... I can’t forgive myself for what happened. I was so stupid, if only I had known.” Yamato mutters while looking down. He couldn’t bring himself to look straight at Raidō while telling him this. He didn’t have the heart to know what facial expressions the other man could be making.

“You were not stupid. Nobody knew Kabuto was going to go for you. If no one knew, how could you have known? Protecting Naruto was the main priority.” Raidō says reassuringly, but it did not ease any pain Yamato is feeling.

“I was careless, Raidō. I didn’t think I would be captured in general. I should have expected something. I was originally caught for intel, but of course, Kabuto knew about me. He knew how to use me.”

“Yamato, you can’t blame yourself for this. What happened... nobody knew what they were going to do to you. Honestly, Lady Tsunade blames herself for what happened. Even Aoba blames himself, because he was right there. Nobody blames you.”

“Why would they blame themselves?” Yamato says looking back up, finally seeing Raidō frowning at him.

“Lady Tsunade believes she should have kept you safer too. Had you protected like Naruto, but they probably would have captured someone else. Aoba thinks he should have done something. He still feels bad about it.” Raidō explains. “I think Lady Tsunade has accepted it as something... we could not avoid. Aoba... well, he feels guilty but I think since you two are friends now, he is finally starting to forgive himself.”

“I don’t want them to feel guilty for something that wasn’t their fault...”

“And I don’t want you to feel guilty for something that wasn’t your fault.” Raidō echoes him cracking a small smile. “It probably sounds impossible, but you need to find a way to forgive yourself. I’m not saying you will do it overnight but trying is a good start.”

“How would I even start? I don’t really believe I deserve to even forgive myself.”

“Well, you know about that mental health clinic for children?” The scarred man pauses, and Yamato nods. “They have one for adults now. They even have a department specifically for ninja. Maybe getting help from a professional can do you some good?”

“I don’t like the idea of talking to strangers about my problems.”

“Yeah, I didn’t really like the idea at first either, but it’s not that bad.”

“Wait, do you go?”

“Yeah, I go every other week when I can. I had some problems with depression, and I wanted to see if it could help. I think I have been getting better though. I feel better.”

“I... had no idea.”

“I don’t really like letting people I care about knowing what’s going on, so I see why you haven’t wanted to tell us. Genma, Aoba, and I. I mean, you don’t have to do what I’m doing though, but it’s worth a shot? I’m willing to listen if you need it though.”

Yamato mulls over the suggestion for a while causing silence to grow between them for a few minutes. He really, really did not like the idea of going and talking to someone he didn’t know about his personal issues, but if Raidō does it, can it really be that bad? He tries to quickly weigh some pros and cons for the idea. Pros being this person does not know him, so they do not have any prior opinions of him, and the cons, well, he did not know this person either so can he really trust them?

“I’ll have to think about it. Going there. Kind of a thing I would actually need time to decide on.” Yamato finally breaks the silence even though he leaned more towards not wanting to go or even give it a thought.

“Yeah, I understand. Took me a good month before deciding on going. I honestly haven’t even told the guys about me doing this.” Raidō confesses sheepishly while scratching the back of his head.

“Wait, so Genma doesn’t even know? I kind of get not telling Aoba, but I thought you and Genma told each other everything.” Yamato would be lying if he said he was not shocked about this. Genma and Raidō were practically each other’s halves. The idea of Raidō keeping a secret just sounded ridiculous. He would not believe it if was not for the fact that he heard it straight from the horse’s mouth.

“Like I said, I don’t want them worrying, but I figured it would be good to tell you so you know you’re not alone. Everyone has their own demons that they don’t want people knowing about. It’s fine for you to have your own problems too.” The older man smiles while crossing his arms. “I’m the oldest, so I got to look out for all of you guys. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I just let you suffer alone.”

Yamato went quiet again, but this time was because he fell speechless. Warmth fills his chest and he feels his eyes tear up a little. He quickly rubs them pushing his feeling of crying away. It was odd to him. He has never been brought to tears from happiness, but there is always a first for everything.

He wonders for a moment if this is what it feels like to have siblings, a family. He never truly had that, so it was a nice thought to see those three as his brothers. In a way, he believes they are with how they look out for him, protecting him as the kid brother. For a while he disliked how noticeable their age gap was to his with Genma having the smallest gap of seven years older than him while Raidō is nine years older. Maybe because those three act younger than they are, and Yamato striving to act more mature meshed well with them. Either way, he knew now that they have somehow adopted him as their brother and he was one of them now. That realization brought him more joy than he expected. This sense of belonging brought some ease to his aching heart.

“Thank you, Raidō. Really.” He smiles, letting some of the emotional weight he has been carrying slide off.

“No problem. You’re one of us now.” Raidō presses a fist up against Yamato’s chest lightly. “We stick together through thick and thin.” He drops his hand and beams at the younger man.

“I’m glad I met you guys.” Yamato whispers, genuinely happy. He needed this. He needed someone to tell him all of this, that people cared and that he belonged.

“We are glad we met you too.”

“Hello, hello! We are back with snacks!” Genma bursts through the front door and makes his way through the living room with Aoba hot on his tail. They both drops multiple chip bags, candy, and two tubs of ice cream onto the coffee table.

“Did you guys really only get junk food?” Yamato says while pushing himself off the couch to look through the food.

“Raidō said no alcohol so I felt this was the next best thing.” Genma explains, plopping down onto the ground. He reaches for a chip bag and rips it open.

“We didn’t know what kind of chips you like, so we grabbed... a lot of them.” Aoba says while sitting down at the table where he was earlier in the day. “So, what did we miss?” Yamato and Raidō both look at each other, both wondering on who should talk.

“Well, I have been having a rough time lately, and Raidō cheered me up.” Yamato summarizes.

“Yeah, I was just telling him that he is one of us now. We look out for each other.” Raidō adds, smirking.

“Oh yeah, definitely. If you have any problems, just come find us. We got you.” Genma says while popping a chip in his mouth.

“Have you been having problems with Lord Sixth? Just wondering, because you know... people heard about you guys fighting at the wedding. I really thought you guys did break up.” Aoba asks as he grabs for a tub of ice cream, changing the subject. “Ah, I forgot a spoon.”

“Are you going to just eat out of the tub?” Raidō makes a face at the man on the floor. 

“I mean, I am not sharing so why not?” Aoba makes a devilish grin as he gets up to grab a spoon. 

“We did not break up.” Yamato frowns, and watches Aoba scurry out of the room. He figures he might as well wait for him to come back to continue. Within seconds, Aoba returns, spoon in hand, and drops back to where he was sitting. “We had a fight, and we talked. We then kind of had another argument. Then it fixed.” 

“You guys don’t actually fight a lot, right?” Genma asks, shoving another chip in his mouth.

“No, honestly, we rarely have any type of disagreements or anything. It’s just… you know, I have been feeling down, and I did not want him knowing.” Genma makes a face, visibly saying ‘why’ with just his expression, and Yamato knew he had to continue. “You guys know I admire him a lot. I… just really didn’t want him to think I am weak or see me differently if he knew how I was feeling.”

“Why? Didn’t you used to feel comfortable telling him everything?” Aoba raises an eyebrow at him.

“That was before I actually started feeling this way, and things are different now. We weren’t dating before. He wasn’t the Hokage before.” He sinks into the couch, and his shoulders droop slightly. He hated admitting it, but a lot has changed. Kakashi was his idol and the person who gave him a new life out of Root. He was also one of his friends, not his lover. He could keep things a secret, but if he told the truth, it never risked their relationship back then because there wasn’t one. It was just friendship. He always wanted something more, but the transition from friends to lovers sometimes felt like a leap so great, he was afraid he would not be able to make it. 

“Then pretend things are like how they used to be? Behind closed doors, he is still Kakashi. He is still the same person you know?” Raidō suggests. 

“Yeah, him being Hokage does not change who he is to you.” Aoba says while shoving his spoon into his ice cream. “I am sure he would understand if you try to talk to him. He never really seemed like the type to uh… judge people he really cares about.”

“I guess I can try…” Yamato mutters, debating on if his friends’ idea is actually good or not. 

“Honestly, if he judges you and suddenly doesn’t like you after what you have to say then he isn’t worth it.” Genma sets his chip bag down. “Let this be your motto, Yamato, ‘If he is an ass about it, then screw him, but don’t screw him.’ You get it?” 

“Screw him, but don’t screw him.” Aoba chuckles.

“Screw him, but don’t… screw him.” Yamato mumbles dryly. It sounded dumb, but Genma had a point in his own way. 

_‘I guess that’s Genma’s way of saying to not have sex with Kakashi if he is an ass…? I suppose it makes sense.’_

“Okay, I will try. It might help ease some of my anxiety that has to do with our relationship if I get everything out…” 

“One thing at a time. Don’t stress yourself on everything at once, alright?” Raidō places his hand on Yamato’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Everything will work out. Just give it time.”

“Andddd, if it doesn’t work out, we will be here for you. We will get you through whatever comes at you.” Genma adds.

“We will come more prepared next time with snacks.” Aoba laughs.

“Never forget the snacks, but yeah, you’re one of us now. We stick together. If you fall, we will drag your ass back up.” Genma eats another chip. “We care about you, so don’t hesitate to come to us when you need it, alright?”

Yamato smiles at them all and nods. It was a step, but he knew he was moving forward. It is going to be tough to truly get over everything that happened, and how he feels now. He knows that more than anyone, but now, he is aware his friends are supporting him. Today was a good day, and he was so glad he answered the door this morning. 

The day carried on with them playing card games, eating junk food, and cracking jokes. Aoba won every single game, and by the end of the day, Yamato and Raidō even agreed the man was cheating. They never gave up though, continuously going for rematch after rematch. Yamato tried cookie dough ice cream for the first time and became one of his new favorites. Genma ate almost all of the chips, and Raidō surprisingly ate most of the candy. The jokes were Yamato’s favorite part of the day outside their heart to heart talk though. He has not laughed so much in one day in so long that he did not want them to ever leave. Yes, today truly was a great day.

———

The guys all head out a few minutes before Kakashi usually makes it home. Yamato collects himself a little, rubbing his cheeks. His face actually started hurting at some point from how much he laughed.

“I’m home.” Kakashi says, stepping through the front door. He quickly kicks his shoes off and walks into the living room. 

“Welcome home.” Yamato beams, resting on the couch.

“Have a good day?”

“Yes, a very good day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter felt really short, but was actually one of my longest. I really wanted the Tokubetsu Jonin in here, so here they are being good friends to Yamato. I believe this fic will only have two more chapters so six in total. I will try to post the next chapter sometime next week. Stay safe, everyone <3


	5. Midnight Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you dream about her again?” Kakashi closed his eyes knowing exactly who the brunette is talking about. He did not dream about any other female and his boyfriend knew that. To be fair, he is not actually sure if he should say yes or no. He heard Rin in his dream, but he did not see her this time around. Arguably the dream had more of Obito yelling at him and the ending that shook him to his core. His chest tightens when he remembers the look Tenzō gave him in his nightmare. “Want to talk about it?”

Kakashi and Gai sit out at an empty park just before sunset with Gai in his wheelchair while Kakashi sits on the park bench next to him. The day felt long and tiring for the sixth Hokage, but he wanted to talk to his old friend. Since his life has become busier, he only sees the man about once or twice a week. He wishes he saw Gai more than he does, but he knows his friend does not hold it against him.

He sighs quietly to himself, not quite masking how sad and tired he feels. He had a lot on his mind the past few weeks, and the weight only seems to be growing. For a while, he did not want to tell Gai about the problems that have arose in his relationship with Tenzō, but now, he really needs someone to talk to. He really had no idea what to do anymore which also put a toll on him.

“What’s on your mind, Kakashi?” Gai rips Kakashi from his thoughts, smiling over at him.

“A lot,” Kakashi mutters not even sure where to start. He knows he wants to talk about Tenzō, but that is really all he is sure of.

“Is it about Yamato?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Are things okay?”

“I want to say yes.” Kakashi pauses and lets out a deep sigh. “But I think the correct answer is no.”

“Well, what makes you say no?”

Kakashi does not reply. He knows exactly why nothing is okay, but could he really tell Gai? It would be one thing if it is his problem, but this is Tenzō’s issues. It really is not his own truth to tell. He hates that fact. He did not want to betray Tenzō’s trust by telling anyone what is going on. He really didn’t. Sadly, Kakashi is at a loss though. He needs help, and he is worried about his boyfriend. He just wants someone to tell him what to do.

“Tenzō has been having a lot of problems lately. He is... anxious and upset about things... and I really don’t know how to help him. I have no idea how to reach him anymore.” Kakashi answers, hoping he kept everything as vague as he could and still get the point across.

“Sounds like someone I know.” A small chuckle escapes Gai’s lips and he leans into his wheelchair. “I am sure you have tried talking to him, and it didn’t work out as well as you hoped?”

“Someone you know? And Yes... I thought talking to him would work, but I think I only made it worse.” Gai chuckles again at Kakashi’s response. “What’s so funny?”

“It just... it sounds like you and me when we were younger. You had a lot going on, and no matter what I did, you just wouldn’t budge. I really thought I was going to lose you, but you came around. I wondered if it was because I never gave up on you or if you somehow started healing on your own.” Gai’s gaze fixes onto the sunset ahead of them. He cracks a smile and closes his eyes. “Yamato will come around.”

“I... do you think he will come around because I did?” Kakashi glances over at Gai who still had his eyes closed. He just nods in response. “Yamato isn’t me though.”

“You’re a tougher nut to crack. He will come around.” He opens his eyes slowly, staring at the sunset. “Just be patient.”

“You say that like you are.”

“I am patient.” Gai beams. “I never gave up on you. That took patience.” He laughs lightly and smacks Kakashi on the back.

“Why did you never give up on me, Gai?” Kakashi whispers. For a moment, he assumes Gai did not even hear the question because the man continues to laugh, but he finally stops and looks straight at Kakashi.

“You’re my rival. What fun would it be if you got yourself killed? I would have nobody to keep me going.”

“I’m serious, Gai.”

“Kakashi, you’re my best friend. I was never going to give up on you. It was not an option to me.” Gai smiles that signature smile that Kakashi has grown so accustomed to over the years. That one that has a shine to it that oozed confidence. He used to dislike seeing that damn smile, because he knew he was about to be dragged into one of Gai’s strange rival competitions. But now, they’re older, and knowing his friend and rival’s confidence in him fills him with happiness. He knows he never made it easy for anyone, especially Gai. He feels guilty at times for it. He regrets all those times he ignored his friends when he was younger. They cared about him, but he was in such a dark time that he could barely think straight. It’s practically a miracle that Tenzō fell in love with him because he did not get it any easier either.

“Thank you... for everything.” Kakashi smiles back at his friend. The atmosphere lightened significantly from the beginning of their conversation which happens to be just another thing he wants to thank Gai for.

“No need to thank me. It’s what friends are for.” Gai reaches out and grips Kakashi’s shoulder. “Now, your problem with Yamato?”

“Be patient.”

“That and make sure he knows people care about him. He’s not alone.” Kakashi nods listening to Gai’s advice. “Don’t give up on him, Kakashi.” They both pause, silence growing between them. Kakashi never even thought about giving up on Tenzō. Since the day he broke into Danzo’s Root headquarters to save Kinoe, he vowed he would protect him. He still chalks that up as one of the craziest things he has ever done in his entire life, but if he went back in time, he would do it again. He would do it over and over if it meant keeping Tenzō by his side.

“I’ll never give up on him.”

————

Kakashi straightens up his papers on his desk a little hoping he at least appeared he was doing something when Genma had entered his office. It was cutting close to 8AM and he could hear birds chirping outside the window. He hated waking up so early every day just to go sit at his desk. It made him wish he slept in on most days. His eyes rake up tiredly at the man chewing on his senbon. He sighs, accepting that if he wants to help Tenzō, he had to somehow get his friends involved much to his own chagrin.

“You summoned me, Lord Hokage?” Genma shoves his hands in his pockets, shifting his weight over to his right foot.

“Ah, yes... I wanted to tell you that you get the day off today.” Before he could finish, the man groans.

“You could have let me sleep then.” Kakashi has to resist his urge to roll his eyes at the comment, and act as professional as he could. Genma has always been one to try his patience without actually meaning to. He honestly didn’t know what is worse, the fact that Genma frustrates him regularly or the fact that he is not even trying to.

“Well, I gave you the day off from missions. I wanted you to do something else for me.”

“What would you want me to do?”

“You’re friends with Yamato, right?” He slides a stack of papers away from him and he leans back in his chair. The man nods to him, so Kakashi continues. “He has been upset with stuff lately, and I wanted to know if you could... help him?” Asking Genma for help is practically the equivalent of fifteen cats dragging their nails on chalkboard to him, excruciating and downright uncomfortable. He did not dislike Genma, not at all in fact, but their personalities only really mix on the best of days. Of course, him asking that man for help with his boyfriend already implies this is not one of those days they will see eye to eye on.

“Ohhh, I see. What did you do?” Genma grins that same grin that basically implies he knows exactly what is going on when Kakashi knows damn well Genma does not have a single clue. This time he could not hold himself from rolling his eyes.

“I didn’t do anything. I’m just... here, and I want him to talk to people that care about him. He needs that right now.” He speaks slowly, trying to keep his tone as serious as possible.

“Alright, I’ll see what I can do.” Kakashi blinks. He stares for a moment waiting for some other smart-ass remark to leave the man’s mouth, but nothing happened.

“You’re not going to argue?” He squints. He still is fully not convinced Genma is not going to say anything. Something is coming, and it is going to piss him off. He can feel it.

“No, I’m sure he will tell me if you did do something.” Genma pulls a hand out of his pocket to scratch the back of his head. “I should probably go wake up Raidō and Aoba and drag their asses out of bed. Thanks for telling me that he has been upset though. We probably wouldn’t have found out for a while if you didn’t speak up.”

“Uh... yeah.” Kakashi fidgets for a moment, embarrassed that he has no idea what to say. He was completely ready for Genma to say something irritating, but he didn’t. He supposes he should be happy that he was not met with any retort, but it is almost unnerving that Genma complied so easily.

“Anything else you need?”

“No, you may go.”

————

Kakashi fumbles with his keys to his house. It almost felt to become habit that he messes up at least once every time he tries to unlock the door. He never quite got used to having to go through the front door of his own home even if it has been a couple of years in this house. He became so accustomed to his one-bedroom apartment that he had since his early twenties that even coming home to a house still felt strange to him. He sometimes missed the days where he would just sneak in through his bedroom window, but he also relished in the sense of coming in through the front door to Tenzō welcoming him home that he never really had a longing to complain.

He looks over towards the windows, noticing the lights inside are on implying Tenzō must be inside. He freezes with his hand on the doorknob almost afraid to unlock the door as he recollects his conversation with Genma this morning. Those three must be here if Tenzō is. He slowly puts his ear to the door to listen for any talking or laughter, but nothing. It is silent in the house.

‘They must have left or Tenzō just got back if they went out.’

With a turn of the key, the door opens and Kakashi makes his way inside. He kicks his shoes off near the entrance and walks into the living room to see his boyfriend lying on the couch rubbing his face. He then eyes the coffee table that had junk food sprawled across it.

_‘At least he is eating something I guess?’_

“I’m home,” He states plainly. He heads straight to the couch but stops, hoping his boyfriend would move his legs.

“Welcome home,” Tenzō beams at him. He quickly sits up to let Kakashi sit on the couch. The older man shoves his vest off and lays it on the arm of the couch.

“Have a good day?”

“Yes, a very good day.” His gaze trails towards the table causing Kakashi to also look. “Sorry about the mess. Genma, Raidō, and Aoba came over today. They just left so I did not have time to clean up yet.” Tenzō shoves himself up and starts to collect up the chips bags and empty candy wrappers. Kakashi follows suit, picking up the remnants of junk food as well. The younger man gives him a questioning look, clearly wondering why Kakashi is even helping.

“I thought I could help?” He smiles trying to hide his awkwardness. Kakashi does not usually help when it comes to cleaning anything especially if it is not his mess, so he is not surprised that this small gesture would already signal red flags to Tenzō.

To be quite honest, he did not really want to help, but he has found little things like this seems to put his boyfriend in a better mood. After what happened two weeks ago when he witnessed Tenzō have an anxiety attack, he has been stumbling around trying to do anything and everything to put the man’s mind at ease. It has been difficult though. He has gotten so used to simple things putting a smile on the younger man’s face for as long as they known each other that now, when simple stuff does not work at times, it sends him into a panic.

He has picked up the slack in the relationship significantly after Tsunade telling him about Tenzō’s feelings. Before, he admits their relationship truly felt like the honey moon stage. Nothing bad happened, and it was exciting. He would come home to dinner ready and a clean house even when he never asked Tenzō to do so. Some nights he would find his boyfriend naked in the bedroom and they end up pushing dinner off for later. Kakashi loved every second of it, and somewhat wished it could go back to that where everything felt simple and easy.

Of course, that crumbled away within the first few months when he had a nightmare in front of Tenzō for the first time in their relationship. The younger man had witnessed those nightmares before, but they were usually on a mission and Kakashi would put up the best front he could to not worry anyone on the team. Sadly, in the comfort of his own home is where Kakashi had the most trouble covering the pain. He did so well for so long hiding those sleepless nights, but he knew when Tenzō saw, something changed. The look in his eyes no longer held that admiration as it once did. Kakashi can see it clearly, the pity and worry.

When they got in that fight where Tenzō had said he is the one messed up, he wanted to crawl in a hole and die. He knows he has a lot of problems but hearing Tenzō yell it at him felt like a kunai to the heart. It hurt more than he expected, but he hated knowing Tenzō believed he can’t be supportive because of those problems. Kakashi tried as hard as he could to be the caring boyfriend he should be, but he cannot help but feel that he fell short. He finds himself blaming himself for their relationship falling apart more often than not and regrets letting Tenzō know of his weaknesses but it is too late for that. The man knew and there was nothing Kakashi could do to change that.

So, he did what he knew he could do. Prove Tenzō wrong and show him that he can handle his boyfriend’s hardships as well as his own. He needed to for the sake of their relationship and Tenzō.

“You don’t need to help, ya know? It’s my mess anyway.” The brunette says while he plucks the single candy wrapper Kakashi was holding out of his hand. He blinks for a moment realizing he had spaced out. “I’m going to take some of this stuff to the kitchen if you want to follow?” Tenzō saunters to the other room with Kakashi trailing behind him. He drops the junk food on the counter and quickly starts putting everything away. He rolls up the chip bags and pushes them to the side. He then puts all candy that can melt in the fridge while the other candy is thrown into a drawer.

“Did you guys really only eat chips and candy all day?” Kakashi asks, really hoping his boyfriend ate at least something healthy today.

“We had ice cream too, but it’s already in the freezer.” Kakashi sighs.

“I guess you at least ate today.” He mutters somewhat dissatisfied. “So, what all did you guys do today?” He rests against the counter and grabs the younger man’s wrist. He pulls Tenzō closer to him, causing them to embrace each other.

“Mmm, we talked and ate. We played card games. Nothing crazy.” Tenzō answers while snaking his arms around Kakashi’s waist. “It was still fun though. I’m glad I got to see them. Thank you for having them come over.”

“Well, I am glad you had fun and no problem, I just wanted to make you happy.” Kakashi leans in to kiss Tenzō, but he is completely stopped with a hand on his mouth.

“No kiss unless you take the mask off.” A sly grin spreads across his face causing Kakashi to whine.

“Maa... you’re no fun.”

“The fabric feels weird.”

“I think it’s comfortable.”

“It feels weird to kiss, okay?” The silver haired man giggles in response as Tenzō pulls his mask down. The second the fabric had left his face completely; their lips meet. Kakashi, feeling playful, decides to continuously give his boyfriend small peck kisses that trail down his jaw line and along his neck. He nibbles on his collarbone causing his boyfriend to erupt into laughter against him. “Stop! Stop! You know that tickles!” He starts laughing into Tenzō’s neck but still tries to continue nipping when he can. He wraps his arms around the younger man teasingly, but falters when he feels fingers on his sides.

“You wouldn’t-” He cuts off and bursts into laughter as his boyfriend tickles him. “Stop! You win!”

“I still love knowing that you’re ticklish, Senpai.” Tenzō snickers pulling his hands away.

“I don’t.” Kakashi says while wrapping his arms around his sides protecting himself.

“Since I am in a really good mood right now... would you... want to go have fun... in the be-”

“Yes,” he answers before letting the other man even finish talking. He knows he should feel a tad ashamed but it’s been a while without sex, and honestly, he really misses Tenzō. Their sex life had also diminished a bit since his boyfriend has been feeling down lately, so of course, he is jumping at any chance he got. He would probably do the man on the desk in his office with absolute no remorse at this point.

“Excited?” The brunette laughs following Kakashi down the hall.

“It would be wrong if I wasn’t.” He answers looking back. He glances at the T-shirt his boyfriend is sporting already figuring out it is his. “Also, is that my shirt?”

“Yes...” Tenzō flushes.

“Well, I’m going to be taking it off.”

————

_“Kakashi...” Rin’s voice echoes in the blackness. Kakashi cannot see a thing and he is running. He had no idea why, but he knew he had to. Fear overriding his entire system kept his legs moving. “Kakashi!” Rin screams and it sends ripples of pain throughout his body. He keeps running. Is he going towards her or away? He did not know._

_“You let her die!” Obito’s voice now. Tears were streaming down his face when he hears him. “You broke your promise!”_

_“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” He yells into the darkness as his movements begin to slow. His feet slosh as if he is moving in water. He keeps trudging forward, too scared to turn around._

_“What if I killed the one you loved?” Obito’s voice deepens, his older self talking now. “The one you loved most? Maybe you will understand my pain!”_

_“No, I am sorry! Obito, please!” Kakashi screams panicking. Tenzō’s face flashes through his mind and adrenaline starts surging through his veins._

_“Then kill me.” Obito sounds close. So close that Kakashi feels him standing in front of him. “Kill me or I will kill him!”_

_“No!” He shouts and then a hand is wrapped around his throat. He claws at the hand trying to rip it away but it tightens. “Obito...” He chokes out and starts forming the hand signs for his Chidori. His hand fills with chakra laced electricity and he strikes the figure before him. He feels bones crush and muscles rip through his fingers and suddenly the darkness he was drowning in sinks away. A red moon now illuminates him and the figure in front of him, washing them in crimson. The grip around his throat falls away._

_“Ka...kashi...” The voice is hoarse but he recognizes it. Tenzō stood wide eyed before him clutching the arm that dug into his chest. He coughs splattering blood on Kakashi’s face. “Why?”_

_“No... No... No! No! No!” He rips his hand away and the man’s lifeless body slumps on top of him._

“Tenzō!” His eyes snap open and he flies out of bed. He loses his balance and stumbles to the ground in the middle of his bedroom. He stays on the floor, shaking too much to try to move. He quickly scans his surroundings realizing Tenzō is not in the bed nor is he even in the room. This information immediately sends his brain into overdrive.

He drags himself up and takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. His heart feels like a jack hammer in his chest. He would honestly believe he is dying if he has not gone through this time and time before.

He catches a glimpse of light down the hallway and he shakily makes his way towards it. “Tenzō?” He stops at the bathroom door, noticing it is cracked open. He squints debating on pushing the door open. Tenzō was never one to leave the door open when he used the restroom, always seeming to want his privacy. The man just barely started allowing Kakashi to shower with him because he always says that showering is his alone time. He never quite understood but accepted the quirk nonetheless. So, knowing that bit of information, it is unsettling that the door is not closed.

He sighs. He is still trembling and stuck in a fog that always sticks around after his nightmares. He pushes the door open revealing his boyfriend sitting on the floor next to the toilet.

“Did I wake you?” Tenzō mumbles while he sat with his back against the wall. His hair stuck to his forehead, but he runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back. His skin looks a shade lighter that looked almost sickly.

“N-No,” Kakashi forces out absorbing the scene in front of him. His brain still in a haze could not quite grasp the full situation, so he just stares at the man on the floor.

“I guess... all that food didn’t agree with me.” The brunette smirks and lays his head against the wall with a small thump. “Did you have a nightmare?” Kakashi just nods. His mouth feels dry and he could hear his heart beat in his ears. Even now, he is not fully calmed down from his horrific dream. “I am sorry I wasn’t there for you. I kinda... was a tad preoccupied.” The man apologizes weakly and tries to sit up. He abruptly turns an odd shade of green and shoves his head back into the toilet to vomit.

Kakashi finds himself walking further down the hall away from his retching boyfriend. He stands in the kitchen, almost not sure how he even made it all the way there considering he is also not in a very good state. He opens the cabinet and pulls out a glass. The fog in his brain settling just enough for him to fill the glass with water. Then he is back in the door way of the bathroom watching Tenzō flush the toilet with a trembling hand.

“Water?” Kakashi mutters as he takes a step inside the room. He holds the glass out with a shaky hand. He feels like he is going to drop at any moment as his adrenaline starts draining out of him, but his longing to make sure Tenzō is okay seems to be keeping him going.

“You didn’t need to do that for me.” The sick man frowns but takes the water anyway. “You should go back to bed. I’ll go join you in a bit.” Kakashi shakes his head and sits down on the ground close to the door.

“I’ll stay. If you need anything just tell me. I don’t want you to force yourself.” He looks down at the ground but he can still see the brunette staring at him. He supposes that it must be shocking that he even formed a sentence. He usually has a hard time being able to talk after his nightmares because his brain can’t focus on anything else.

“You’ll stay?”

“Mhmm.” He lies back onto the floor so half his body is in the bathroom, while the top half is in the hallway. He brings his arms up to rest his head on his hands.

“Did you dream about her again?” Kakashi closed his eyes knowing exactly who the brunette is talking about. He did not dream about any other female and his boyfriend knew that. To be fair, he is not actually sure if he should say yes or no. He heard Rin in his dream, but he did not see her this time around. Arguably the dream had more of Obito yelling at him and the ending that shook him to his core. His chest tightens when he remembers the look Tenzō gave him in his nightmare. “Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” He mumbles quietly. He admits he feels a bit better from when he had woken up but talking about it meant thinking about it. He did not want to think about Tenzō dying, nor did he want to imagine killing him.

“Will you be okay?”

“You don’t need to worry about me. You’re sick. I don’t want to stress you.” He knows he gave a half ass excuse, but he did really not want Tenzō to stress.

“Ya know, I can be on my death bed and still worry about you more than myself, right?” Kakashi groans at this response.

_‘What? Am I that bad to him now?’_

“Am I really that pathetic that you worry that much?”

“Hey, sit up.” Kakashi feels a hand on his leg and he pulls away childishly. He did not want to admit what Tenzō said to him during their fight wore him down. The things that were said hurt, and still hurt now. “Kakashi, please?” He sighs and pushes himself up into a sitting position to look at his boyfriend.

“Mm?” He practically grunts out. He feels dumb already causing problems when he just said he did not want to make Tenzō stress but keeping his emotions in check after his nightmares is practically an impossible feat.

“I worry about you, because I care, okay? I don’t think you’re pathetic.” Tenzō slumps forward tiredly, exhaustion written all over his face. “Is this because of what happened two weeks ago? Because of what I said?” Kakashi looks away hating the fact that that man can read him like a book. He hit the nail on the head. He always does.

“I know I am a lot of work. I just... didn’t like knowing that you... don’t feel comfortable talking to me because of what I go through.” He refuses to make eye contact. Kakashi wants nothing more than to just go hide away for a while, but his fears and uneasiness keeps him in place. It is an awkward feeling, to want to run away from the very person he never wants to be apart from. “I am sorry that I make you feel that way.” He slumps forward, the weight of the world seeming to grow on his shoulders.

“Look at me.”

Kakashi sucks in, bracing himself for whatever Tenzō is about to say. That phrase kicks his brain into high gear every time. The brunette has said it a few times before when he was angry or needed to say something important, and of course, Kakashi always finds himself trying to backtrack from whatever was coming. Either he is in trouble or he is in a lot of trouble. Childish, he may be, but he honestly hates being scolded by his boyfriend. It rarely was anything large, but Kakashi tends to blow everything out of proportion quickly until it actually does escalate to something large.

He drags his gaze up and after a few seconds, he meets his eyes with those familiar almond shaped eyes. He absorbs the expression on Tenzō’s face. He needed a shave, facial hair decorating his jawline and upper lip. His hair sticks to his forehead from sweating and he notices the beginning of bags forming under his eyes. He honestly looks like shit, but Kakashi would never say that out loud. The man is sick, no reason to point out the obvious.

“I know what I said back then was not fair to you. I am sorry. I really am.” Tenzō says in the sincerest tone Kakashi has honestly ever heard from him. He feels a pang of guilt that he even brought it up now. “I... should have never said it. You’re not pathetic. I just... got scared that you would... think differently of me.”

“What?” Kakashi nearly smacked himself in the face when that word left his mouth. He had thought out this conversation for weeks, and honestly believed he knew exactly what to say if Tenzō ever apologizes. Well, nothing really ever goes as planned, and he did not do anything that way he wanted.

“Are you saying what to me apologizing or that last bit?” His face contorts into something in between exhaustion and confusion.

“The last... bit?” Kakashi says dumbly. His longing to just kick himself is growing with every passing moment.

“I talked with the guys... and I realized it was dumb of me to think that you... would not like me after knowing I’m depressed.” Tenzō smiles, but Kakashi can see the sadness behind it. “They told me I should talk to you.” Kakashi stares. He knows he clearly has to say something. He had not even expected this to be in Tenzō’s apology. 

“I... You don’t need to... We don’t need to talk about this right now.” He blurts out. His brain is not working, there is absolutely no way he can talk about this. He usually wings everything, but heavy conversations with Tenzō, he always has some idea of what to do. Hell, he even had a plan when he confronted the man about his depression weeks ago.

“I know. I know. I have been thinking about it while... I have been awake. I just wanted to make sure I apologize.” The brunette finally leans back against the wall and swallows roughly. Kakashi does not budge. He tries to formulate some type of response, but everything seems to crash together in his head. The desire to run from this conversation only continues to grow.

“It’s okay.” It takes exactly ten seconds for him to fully process the only two words he said, and only two seconds for him to groan angrily at himself. He drops himself back to the ground, lying half way into the hall again. He pulls his hands up to his face, frustration winning out.

“What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?” This question makes Kakashi groan again.

“No, I just... I’m stupid. I don’t know what to say. What you said back then, I get it. I made you burden all of my problems, and I never once thought about you. I just didn’t expect that you’d think I would stop liking you. I have no idea where you would come up with that thought.” He drops his arms to his sides and looks at the ceiling. “Did I make you feel that way?”

“No, it was just my own insecurities, I guess.”

“The way I feel about you has not changed. It never has.” Kakashi bites his lip, unsure of what to say next. He opens his mouth but closes it soon after. He really has no clue of what to say.

“I love you.” Tenzō states softly, and Kakashi can already tell the younger man is smiling. He flushes slightly, hating how every single time he hears those three words his heart flutters. He remembers the first time his boyfriend said it, that single phrase made his entire world flip, and somehow, it still has the same effect. It leaves him speechless every single time. He still believes he does not deserve this love though, which made it so difficult to ever say it back. Even now, he struggles to say it, afraid admitting such a thing is like giving the man a death sentence. 

He loves Tenzō. He has for as long as he can remember. He lost count of how many years have passed since he realized he fell in love, but it never changed how scared he is. He hoped for a long time that he could just hint at how he feels or just imply it without having to say anything. It worked for a while, but he knows he cannot keep doing that. He budged a few weeks ago and finally started to say “I love you”, but he still carries the feeling of the floor falling out beneath him every time the words touched his tongue. 

“Back to not saying it, huh?” Kakashi winces at that comment. 

“No, I love you too, Tenzō.” His face burns but he feels good. He said it and the world is still turning. He breathes out and waits for the other man to speak. A solid minute passes and Kakashi sits up to look at his boyfriend. Tenzō has his head resting against the wall and his mouth hung slightly open. His arms lay on his lap and his legs crossed. He had fallen asleep. Kakashi chuckles quietly to himself relishing in how adorable this man can be. “At least stay awake long enough to hear me say I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is a few days late. I'm sorry. The past week and a half has been super busy, so it took me quite awhile to get this posted. I decided to follow Kakashi for a bit to give more insight on how he is handling their relationship and also trying to cope with his nightmares. It was kind of tough at first to write, but I somehow got it done. Next Chapter should be the last one for Speechless.


	6. We Will Be Okay

“Do we really have to go?” Kakashi whines down the hall in the bathroom. Yamato rolls his eyes while standing in the living room ready to go. They are already thirty minutes late, and his patience is starting to wear thin. He actually wanted to make it to their destination on time, but that is too much to ask for when Kakashi is to accompany him.

“Do we really have a choice?” Yamato says just loud enough for the older man to hear him in the other room. He receives a groan in response and he sighs. “You were the one who agreed we go to this dinner for Team 7.”

“I did not agree willingly.” He sees silver hair pop out from the bathroom and slowly Kakashi slips into the hall. Yamato crosses his arms while watching the man walk towards him. Half of him wants to tap his foot just to show how impatient he is feeling but resists his urge. Openly showing he is in a hurry seems to always make Kakashi slower than he already is.

“Well, now we have to go. It won’t even be that bad. It’s just Sai, Naruto, and Sakura.”

“We are going to have to answer so many questions. Can we just push this off?”

“We have to face the music some time? It’s not right to be avoiding them anyway.”

“Keeping our relationship a secret from them probably was a mistake.”

“Who’s fault is that?” Yamato raises his eyebrows giving the other man an accusing look. Kakashi lets out an exasperated sigh and slinks over to the couch. He proceeds to drop onto it face first like a pouting child who did not get their way. “Everything will be fine. It’s not like they’re mad.”

“Sakura is mad.” The older man speaks into the couch cushion almost muffling what he said. He turns his head to look at Yamato. “She is mad.” He repeats, trying to add emphasis to their predicament.

“All the more reason we need to go. If we don’t, it’ll be worse.”

“Maa... I hate when you make good points.” Kakashi mutters and shoves himself back up. “Guess I’ll finish getting ready.” With that, the older man exits the room. Yamato uncrosses his arms and finally decided to sit down, accepting that they are not going to leave any time soon.

Four days have passed since he saw his three friends, Genma, Raidō, and Aoba and his discussion with the oldest one still weighs on his mind. The option to go to the Mental Health Clinic is not really the thing Yamato wants to do, but he found himself thinking about it more and more. At some point, the idea did not feel as bad as when he first heard it. He had weighed the pros and cons, and somehow, he started to lean towards wanting to give it a chance. He has yet to tell Kakashi of this decision though.

He fidgets, debating on if he should just talk to his boyfriend about it now. On one hand, Kakashi can possibly not like the idea and the rest of the night will feel awkward. While the other, he would be fine and the stress Yamato has been carrying would be for nothing. He still slightly hopes for the latter.

“Hey, um... Kakashi?” He blurts out causing the silver haired man to poke his head out in the hallway. “Can we talk really quick?” Kakashi blinks at him but returns to the living room nonetheless.

“Something wrong, Tenzō?” Yamato shakes his head.

“No, I have been thinking and I think I’m going to go to the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow to get help with my anxiety and depression.” He speaks quickly, making the words feel like they are slamming together. He needed to shovel the entire thought out of his head before he lost his confidence. He only hopes he does not have to repeat himself. 

Yamato locks eyes with Kakashi’s trying to read what can possibly be going through that man’s head, but his expression is blank. His mask is up, so Yamato has an even harder time. He tries to anchor himself where he is, just so he would not run across the room and pull his mask down. He wishes he knew if the man is at least frowning or not, but knowing his luck, the older man’s mouth is probably a straight line with absolutely no hint of what he is thinking. 

“Okay.” Yamato gawks at this reply. He expected something more than that, but Kakashi still never ceases to surprise him.

“Are you going to say anything else?” He presses, not completely satisfied. He at least hoped for an opinion.

“I didn’t know I needed to say anything else? Good for you?” Kakashi tilts his head in confusion. “Or am I supposed to stop you? I wasn’t going to stop you if that’s the case. It might be helpful for you.”

“So, you’re okay with me going? This doesn’t bother you that I’m going to go do this?”

“I don’t really mind. If you think it’ll make you feel better then do it.”

“O-Okay.” Yamato stutters, unsure of what to say now. He supposes he is content with Kakashi’s response anyway. A smile slowly creeps across his face, happy that he no longer had to worry.

“Did you think I wouldn’t want you to?”

“Well, no. I just wanted your opinion... and to make sure you knew.” He scratches the back of his head awkwardly, but his smile still remains glued to his face.

“Oh, okay. Well, I’m going to go back to getting ready?” Yamato nods and Kakashi walks off, leaving the room once again.

The brunette continues to grin, feeling positively giddy. The worry that his boyfriend would not be supportive just sloughed off, and for that, Yamato is nothing but grateful. He has to admit that Kakashi has actually been really good to him lately, and it eased some of his anxiety. Yamato almost regrets not trusting him from the beginning, but he cannot change the past. He knows that more than anyone. He is just happy they made it this far and that Kakashi stayed by his side even after finding out about his weaknesses.

———

The two of them made it to the dinner at Sai’s home an hour late. This apparently was not a problem because Sakura had planned for them being late and told the Sixth Hokage to be there at five, when the dinner was actually at six o’clock. Besides their striking feeling of being duped, the men were impressed. Yamato was almost jealous that he had never thought of such an idea before.

The five of them ate dinner almost in complete silence for the first half of them eating. Not a single one of them willing to address the elephant in the room. Eventually, Naruto started talking about his honeymoon with Hinata to somehow get a conversation going. Sadly, it was mostly just his voice filling the air and Sai making small comments here and there.

Yamato wanted to speak, but he knew the second he did, they will have to face the inevitable. So, he stayed quiet, taking small bites of rice and keeping his gaze at the plate in front of him. The tension in the air was absolutely agonizing, and he almost regret talking Kakashi into going. Clearly, this was a mistake, nor did he have a plan to explain anything. He did not really think anything would change between everyone for their relationship, but it seemed, assumptions were almost always wrong.

The dinner had finally ended, and he glances up, his eyes meeting Sakura’s. He purses his lips, now having this nagging feeling to apologize. Her emotions clearly written all over her face made it clear as day that she is not quite angry, but almost forlorn. His guilt over everything suddenly washes over him again realizing that keeping these three in the dark for so long is actually more hurtful than he had expected. He looks over at Naruto who looks clearly uncomfortable, and then at Sai who seems just as unreadable as always.

He looks back down at his place that is now empty trying to find the will to say something. He has no idea where to start. Does he start with an apology or just cut straight to the point as to why they kept everything a secret?

“Kakashi Sensei... Captain Yamato...” Sakura speaks, causing everyone to jump. She did not speak for the entirety of their dinner. Yamato assumes she has been probably also trying to think of something to say. “So, you guys are dating now?” The two men in questioning both nod in return to her question. “For how long?” Yamato blinks and swings his gaze towards Kakashi sitting next to him, wondering who should answer. He opens his mouth to speak, but the older man beats him to the punch.

“Almost nine months.” Kakashi states and the three in front of them do not even try to repress their shocked expressions.

“That long!? I can’t believe we didn’t figure it out sooner!” Naruto whines, visibly annoyed with himself.

“I had a hunch but nobody believed me.” Sai says, causing Naruto to groan.

“I have a hard time believing you in general, Sai.” Naruto sighs.

“Well, that’s not my fault.” Sai responds and Sakura slams a fist on the table making everything in the room clatter. Both boys immediately stop bickering. Yamato frowns, ready to brace himself for whatever is to come. Kakashi was right. Sakura is indeed angry.

“Why did you two keep that a secret for so long? Did you two not trust us for you both to lie?” Her eyes burn with frustration as she looked at the two older men.

“Everyone here... is like my family... so I agree with Sakura. I can’t help be a little mad too.” Naruto adds. Yamato frowns when he looks at the blond. He knows they made a mistake, and their excuses might not amount to anything but he has to say something.

“Don’t be mad at Yamato. It was my decision to keep our relationship a secret.” Kakashi speaks calmly as if everything is fine. Yamato stares at his boyfriend along with the other three, all waiting for more of an explanation.

“Why did you want it to be a secret?” Sai asks, seeming to be the only one who had the ability to form words.

“I’m the Hokage. I didn’t want my personal life to be really known to the world. I did plan on telling you guys eventually.” Kakashi explains, leaving the rest of them unsure of what to say. Yamato decides to take this chance to finally speak as well.

“We did not think keeping our relationship a secret would upset you guys. We’re... really sorry.” He is not quite certain that Kakashi is exactly sorry, but he figures saying ‘we’ would help lessen the blow and keep the anger down to a minimum.

“Well, you guys are happy, right?” Naruto mumbles while fidgeting with his plate in front of him, sliding it about an inch back and forth. “We probably shouldn’t complain too much if you guys make each other happy.” He slides his blue eyes up, mainly looking at Yamato.

“Y-Yes, I would say we are happy.” Yamato stammers out, hoping to smooth the conversation. He remembers Naruto had seen that whole scene at the wedding and the talk they had, and he has to resist his urge to fly out of the room. He almost completely forgot what happened at the wedding considering everything that happened afterward. Suddenly, he is guilty again but this time for not talking to Naruto again after everything. The blond is clearly concerned and expressed how much he cared. Yamato feels like he should have taken that extra mile just to ease the boy’s worries, but he didn’t.

“I would agree.” Kakashi adds, seeming to not notice Naruto more or less directing the question towards Yamato instead of him.

“I guess Naruto has a point. I was... I am just mad that you two don’t trust us.” Sakura sinks into her chair a little as she talks. “We could have kept it a secret if you told us.”

“You’re probably right. It was my mistake, but now, it seems everyone knows. No point lying anymore.” Kakashi says while resting an elbow onto the table. “Do you three have any more questions?”

“No more secrets?” Sakura straightens up a little.

“No more secrets.” Kakashi echoes back at her.

“Who asked who out?” Naruto asks almost immediately. “I’m betting Captain Yamato.” Yamato flushes at this announcement, knowing full well he was not the one who initiated their relationship.

“No way, totally Kakashi Sensei.” Sakura beams as if her anger had completely melted away moments ago.

“I think Captain Yamato as well.” Sai smiles putting his own input into the conversation.

“You guys really have no faith in me.” Kakashi chuckles and rests his chin into his hand. “I was the one who asked Yamato out.” Sakura crosses her arms, openly proud of guessing correctly while Naruto just gapes at them. Yamato laughs sheepishly feeling as if he had somehow let Naruto and Sai down.

“See! Totally Kakashi Sensei.” Sakura smiles excitedly and leans over the table slightly. Her smile turns into this devilish grin and Yamato struggles to figure out what that could mean. “So, do you two love each other? Or is it too soon to tell?”

“I... uh,” Kakashi mutters and Yamato finally looks at the man. He has a blush creeping just above his mask and his ears are already red.

“Jeez, Sakura, way to embarrass him.” Naruto nudges the girl and they both start giggling like school children.

“Is it safe to assume that’s a ‘yes’, Kakashi Sensei?” Sai smiles seeming to not find the situation as funny as the other two.

“I love him.” Yamato finally speaks, still looking at his blushing boyfriend. He finds himself smiling, enjoying the atmosphere now. The tension dissolved so easily, and now, everything feels light and warm. He relishes in it, loving that he can finally be honest with his friends and his team.

He had not realized it before how stressed it made him to lie to so many people, and how guilty he became from just that. He stills carries the guilt from what happened in the war, but his current issues are all resolving right before his eyes. If anyone had asked him how he felt weeks ago, he is sure he would say something along the lines of miserable or unhappy, but now, he is certain he would say he is okay. He is not doing phenomenal because not everything is completely fixed, but he feels better. He knows Kakashi loves him. He knows his friends care about him. He knows his team just wants the best for him, and he is content with that.

“Of course, I love him.” Kakashi finally says while aggressively avoiding eye contact from his team. His entire face is burning at this point. Yamato couldn’t help himself, he starts laughing, and the other three join in. To be honest, he had no idea where he would begin on what is funny to him; his embarrassed boyfriend who usually is unfazed by anything or the fact that everything fell into place so perfectly. He presumes that it has to be both. Yamato almost feels foolish for not telling them sooner, but everything worked out in the end. He can say that tonight, he is happy and grateful for these three. And for a moment, he wonders if this is how it feels to have a family. Even if they are not related by blood, he sees everyone in this room as the family he never had before and he absolutely loves them.

———

The night went on rather quickly, questions thrown every which way. They both tried their best answering those three, but there were some questions they refused to answer. The dreaded question Sai asked weeks prior got shot down once again by Yamato.

They all have long left the dining area, nestled in the living room. Kakashi has retreated to reading his book, but fell asleep at some point at the farthest end of the couch. Sai and Sakura, also on the couch, are having some in depth conversation that Yamato is not paying attention to. Naruto is sitting on the ground in front of the chair Yamato has settled in. The blond is also not paying attention to the discussion at the couch, his gaze fixed somewhere off into the distance as if lost in thought.

“Hey, Captain Yamato, can we go talk outside?” Naruto looks back, and Yamato nods. He knows what is coming. The talk that has been waiting between him and the blond for a while. Granted, he did not owe an explanation, but he had an inkling that he just needed to. They both step out into the cold air and the brunette has to resist the urge to hug himself.

“So, what’s up, Naruto?” He says while shutting the door behind them.

“Are you feeling okay?” Naruto scratches his face awkwardly, avoiding eye contact.

“Yeah, I am.”

“What happened a couple weeks ago? You... wanted to... did I misunderstand?” Bright blue eyes meet his now. He can see the clear sadness in those eyes that it is almost too painful keep looking at him. Yamato swallows hard forcing himself to keep his composure.

“I... yeah, a lot was going on. Things are better now, and I’m trying... to feel better.” Yamato stumbles through his answer, completely at a loss for words. He wants to kick himself for his poor excuse of a sentence that he somehow strung together.

“Kakashi Sensei didn’t cause any more problems, right? Because I’m not scared to knock some sense into him even if he is the Hokage.” Naruto chuckles lightly, somehow breaking away the tension in the air.

“No, he has been good lately.” He averts his eyes away realizing he could have worded that differently.

“Lately? You mean he wasn’t before?”

“No, no. He was always good. Now, he’s better?”

“Mmmmm, you’re not talking about se-”

“No! No. I just meant relationship wise. He’s treating me better.” He cuts Naruto off, forcing the conversation to not become more awkward than it already is.

“Well, that’s good. I’m glad things are working out for you guys. Kakashi Sensei needs someone like you, ya know? Keep him grounded. I just didn’t want you staying with him if you’re not happy.” Naruto shoves his hands into his pockets and lets his shoulders drop a little. “But, you’re happy so things are good?”

“Yeah, I guess I can admit that it’s tough sometimes. I was... worried that if I couldn’t support him, he wouldn’t want me around. Kind of dumb assumption.”

“Well, most relationships aren’t perfect. You are going to have problems every once in a while, but getting past them... makes you guys stronger.” Naruto shifts his weight onto one foot as if contemplating on continuing what he is saying. “I know I have known Kakashi Sensei a long time, but I can tell I don’t know him on a very personal level. It’s like I do, but I don’t? I don’t know everything about him so I can’t say it’s dumb for you to assume what you did. You had your reasons, but I am assuming things worked out anyway?”

“Yeah, I want to say everything worked out.”

“Good. I’m happy for you, Captain Yamato. You’re like family to me too, so if you’re happy, I’m happy.” Naruto beams at him. “Just remember you can talk to me whenever, okay?”

“Okay.” He grins somewhat hoping the conversation is over. He likes talking to Naruto, but he still does not want to fully tell the boy everything. Maybe in time he will feel more comfortable, but for now, he just wants to put Naruto at ease. He at least knows he did not lie. He truly feels better and dare he say, happy, but he would rather keep everything a little vaguer. Not everyone needs to know the guilt he still carries about the war. He figures he can just chalk up his issues as just too much going on to Naruto until he is fully ready to open up to him.

“Wanna head back inside? It’s pretty cold out here anyway.” The younger male gestures towards the door, a smile still planted on his face.

“Yeah, it’s pretty late. Probably should head home soon too.” Yamato agrees and Naruto nods.

The brunette feels himself relax, somewhat glad their discussion finally ended. He didn’t mind it, to be quite honest. It actually made him feel a little better knowing he is not worrying Naruto anymore. He supposes that maybe he just needed to talk to the people who are willing to listen to him to help ease some of his anxiety. He still did not want to burden the ones he is close to, so he comes to the conclusion right then that going to the Mental Health Clinic is a good choice. Maybe going there can help him figure out a way to talk to his friends and Kakashi without feeling ashamed of his guilt.

———

“Today was a good day.” Yamato mindlessly says as he enters their bedroom. Kakashi falls horizontally across the bed and shoves his face into their blankets. “Don’t you think?” The older man hums in response and rolls over into his back. “Nothing to say, Hokage-sama?”

“You’re not allowed to say that word in this room.” Kakashi rolls his eyes and rips off his shirt. He casually throws it the end of the bed and plops right back down on the bed.

“Ooooh, and what are you going to do about it, Ho-ka-ge-sa-ma?” Yamato makes sure to enunciate every syllable as a smirk spreads across his face. Might as well tease Kakashi for ignoring his question just now. He can tell they are both in good moods, so he really feels no harm in it.

“You really want to know what I’m going to do?” Kakashi props himself up with his elbows, a smirk also on his face that is now revealed because of his lack of shirt and mask.

“You won’t do anything.” He places his hands on his hips triumphantly. They both stay firm in their position for a solid minute until Kakashi pounces. The silver haired man bounces off the bed and wraps his arms around Yamato, immediately pulling him down into the bed. The younger man blushes while on all fours hovering just inches above his boyfriend. “What are you doing?”

“I did something.” Yamato blinks, not fully comprehending Kakashi’s answer. “You said I wouldn’t do anything, so I did something.” A smile stays planted on his face and his eyes curve up into that signature look the brunette has grown so accustomed to over the years. That smile still knocks the wind right out of him making Yamato thankful that man wears a mask ninety percent of his life. It would be difficult to get anything done if he saw that smile every single time his senpai sweet talked him. Lord only knows how much more he would have done for that man.

“You did do something. Are you going to do anything else?” He chuckles but comes to a halt when he feels cold hands on his stomach sliding further up his shirt. He sucks in, taking in the pleasure of the light touches that dance across his torso and chest. He groans when a finger flicks his nipple. “Okay, you are doing something else.”

“Want it be a good night too?” Kakashi snickers while twisting a nipple in his fingers. Yamato leans down, pressing their foreheads together. “Yes?”

“I hate you. How do you do this to me?”

“I think you pronounced love wrong.”

“I’m being serious.”

“I’m being serious too.”

Yamato pushes himself up so he sits on his knees while looking down at Kakashi. “You had a good time at the dinner, right?” 

“Yeah, I did... ya know, once the questions were over.”

“I think it was good to finally tell them.”

“Yeah... did it make you feel better?”

“It felt nice to get it off my chest.” Yamato swings his legs over, flopping onto his back next to Kakashi. “Thank you,” he rolls his head to the side to look at his boyfriend who is already staring back at him. “Thank you for everything.”

“You don’t need to thank me. I didn’t really do anything.”

“You did though. You have been helping around the house and with dinner. You had my friends come check on me. You... say you love me openly in front of others. I can list more if you still don’t believe me.”

“Well, you’re my best friend and you needed someone to lean on. What kind of person would I be if I let you suffer alone?” Kakashi raises an eyebrow at him. 

Yamato’s face burns the second he processes the word ‘best friend’. He cannot even think of a single time Kakashi has ever called him that before. It has always been Obito or Gai, so this statement surprises him or more ways than one. He purses his lips together, his train of thought crashing together.

“Best... friend? I thought that was Gai... or Obito.” He mutters and mentally kicks himself for letting that escape his mouth. He could have said anything else, but that is what he somehow said.

“Who said I can’t have more than one best friend?” A small giggle escapes the older man’s lips that sends shivers down Yamato’s spine. How perfect can this man be? He would say he hates everything about Kakashi Hatake if it weren’t for the fact that he loves every damn thing about him. “So... umm are you going to go to the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow?” 

“Ah, yeah. I’ll make an appointment to go in when I come back after watching Orochimaru.” He answers still feeling the heat from his blush on his face.

“So, a bit over a week from now?” 

“Mhmm.”

“I hope it does some good for you.”

“I hope so too.”

It grows quiet between them, both unaware of what to say from there. Yamato has a lot on his mind, but at the same time, nothing at all. It is an odd feeling. He does not particular dislike it though. It is almost calming to be able to just lie next to Kakashi in silence. They did not need to talk to feel comfortable around each other, which happens to be just another thing Yamato loves about that man. And for the first time in what felt like ages, he admits he is completely and utterly happy. 

The world is not perfect, and neither is his past. Some of that guilt still resonates within him, but somewhere in these past few weeks, he took a step letting himself to start healing. With that, he plans to keep moving forward and maybe one day, he will no longer carry that blame he has shouldered for so long. But this time he knows he has people to support him. Friends to pick him back up. A family to ensure he stays on his feet. And a lover to grasp his hand and pull him forward.

“Tenzō, I love you.”

“I love you too, Kakashi.”

_‘I will be okay... we will be okay.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I finished this. I actually really enjoyed writing this fic. I wrote this honestly to try to express the difficulties any of us can face with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I know that sometimes it is hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand what can be going through their mind. I also know that Yamato deciding to get help is not always an easy decision, and because of all the support he had, the decision was not as difficult. I really tried to highlight the fact that he took a step forward, and he still acknowledges not everything is fixed right away. I wanted to show that he is trying and continues to plan to move forward even after knowing things are still not perfect. These problems will not fix overnight, and that is okay. It is not a race. Everything will be okay, even if it sounds impossible. Stay safe, everyone!
> 
> Also, I know I finished both of my KakaYama fics, but I will be starting up a College AU for them sometime next week. This one will not be as emotionally heavy, but I hope you guys stick around to read it.


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